The Adult Guide to Temper Tantrums

We’ve all seen the grumpy child in the store fall to the floor in despair, arms and legs flailing about, screaming and squawking. Some of us may look to the parent or caregiver who is with that child in judgment: “how could you let your child act this way in public?”

While it’s natural to look at a nearby parent when a child is seemingly out of control, the fact is parents have no real control over their children. And many times, if a child is having a temper tantrum it means they no longer have the capacity to deal with anything. Their resources are tapped. They are tired or hungry or over-stimulated or for whatever other reason just not capable of controlling themselves. It’s not really about mom saying “no” to the candy.

But I wonder how many of us look at that child and on some level think to ourselves…

Boy, kid, I really know how you feel.

Admit it. You sometimes downright ENVY that child. They get to really express how they’re feeling with their whole body. Who else but a child gets to outwardly show, with such enthusiasm and commitment, how frustrated they are?

Can you imagine sitting in a business meeting, frustrated with a co-worker or your boss or your client, and just shrieking NO at the top of your lungs, putting your hands over your ears and yelling “la la la” or sprawling out on the floor for a good old fashioned, “I don’t care who’s watching” tantrum?

As a child, temper tantrums are just part of the deal. Parents (and retailers everywhere) may not like it, but it comes with the territory. It’s expected. But act like that as an adult and you’ll likely get a psychiatric crisis team responding to a 911 call.

But what message does that send? Are we, as otherwise well-functioning, responsible, mature adults not allowed to get frustrated?

Hells to the NO.

Frustration is HEALTHY.

That’s why I teach my clients about the adult temper tantrum. After all, why should kids have all the fun?!?

Keep in mind, you may only want to do this in the privacy of your own home or office. But having some friends around to do this with can certainly be a load of fun too.

Ready to get your tantrum on?

1. Scrunch your face tightly like the badass rebel that you are.
2. Clench your fists.
3. Make growly or other throaty, gruff sounds.
4. Declare your frustration: “I’m not going to take it anymore” (or other choice words of your choosing).
5. Stomp your feet.
6. Scream, shout, yell.
7. Punch the air.
8. Tell your frustration (or who you’re frustrated with) where it/they can go.
9. More growly or throaty sounds.
10. Stand still. Be quiet. Take some deep breaths.
11. Notice how you feel after your tantrum – better, worse, more relaxed, more tense, silly, free, energized, depleted, self-conscious, etc.

Typically this exercise leads to laughter (which is a release all on its own). When frustrated, we tend to take ourselves way too seriously, so doing something like this give us permission to act child-like, which can be (dare I say) FUN.

Remember, frustration is normal. And while most of us aren’t ready to go full-on “kicking and screaming on the floor of the grocery store” tantruming, we can certainly enjoy this more grown-up version, which provides the opportunity to release your tension through your voice and your body.

So stop envying the child having a fit in public and go have your own damn temper tantrum already! I dare you!

Feeling brave? Share how your tantrum went below in the comments.

Breathe Away Stress

Breathing is something we do (and don’t do) without even thinking about it. Anytime you do something on auto-pilot, there’s a chance you could be missing something.

Take a moment now to focus in on your breath. What do you notice? Is your breathing long, deep, and slow? Or more short, shallow, and fast? Are you holding your breath? If you are experiencing any stress, chances are you are taking short, shallow breaths. And if you experience stress often, you likely breathe this way most of the time without even realizing it. This means your body and brain aren’t getting the oxygen they need to adequately respond to stress.

But taking time to be aware of and adjust your breathing is important for other reasons besides managing stress. Our breath supports us in our emotional, physical, and spiritual health. When faced with any kind of challenge, be sure that your breathing will be affected. Have you ever caught yourself holding your breath when getting bad news or watching a scary movie?

Here are some tips to change things up a bit and bring some awareness to your breathing so you can manage that stress:

• If you notice you are breathing shallow, focus on taking long, deep breaths to fill up your lungs.
• Make sure you breathe all the way out.
• Set a timer for 5 minutes and continue to focus on your breathing during that time.
• Set a reminder to focus on your breathing several times throughout the day.
• Focus on a word as you breathe in (such as calm, peace, love, etc.)
• Focus on releasing any tension in your body as you breathe out.

The best time to practice new breathing techniques (or any new techniques for that matter) is during times of low stress so that your body can get used to something new. The more you practice, the easier it will be to use these new techniques when you really need them.

For even more great breathing tips, check out the Back to Balance Meditations, Volume 1: Using the Breath.

Unraveling the Good Girl Part 2: Five Tips to Escort Her Out of the Building

In Part 1, Unraveling the Good Girl Part 1: Four Things This Little Beeatch Has to Say, I dove into some of the things my inner good girl has taught me, despite my attempts to cut her off at the knees.

I find it a blessing (and sometimes a bit of a nightmare) that there’s a lesson in EVERYTHING. Sometimes I just want to pout and have my tantrum. But alas, my years and experience in getting out of my own damn way faster and more efficiently help me see the silver lining even in the most bleak of situations.

Okay, good girl, you’re forgiven.

Now that we’ve covered what she’s done for us, we can move on to bigger and better things – namely how to not let her run our lives anymore.

As I mentioned in Part 1, my coach gave me a kick in the pants when she saw my good girl popping up recently. Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to call us on it. But other times, we just need to heed the signs and press forward. Here come the tips:

1. Acknowledge the good girl. Remember, she’s just trying to protect you like she’s done before. She means no harm. But she also needs to be acknowledged. When you notice your good girl coming out to protect you, let her know you see her.
2. Thank the good girl. After acknowledgement comes gratitude. Yes, she can be a pain in the ass, but thank her anyway. Thank her for trying to protect her.
3. Forgive the good girl. After you thank her, let her know you forgive her for all the shenanigans, making you look like a fool, making you act like a doormat. Since she is a part of you, that means you must also forgive yourself.
4. Let the good girl know you got it from here. You’re a grown-ass woman now with grown-up responsibilities and the power to make things happen. It’s okay to dismiss the good girl and let her know she’s no longer needed.
5. Put on your big girl pants. It’s time to put on those big girl pants and take responsibility for yourself. That includes your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions. No more blaming the good girl who doesn’t want to make waves. Make those waves, honey! Splash around and have fun with them while you’re at it.

The good girl may come back from time to time, but you have control over how long you let her hang around.

What are your thoughts on unraveling the good girl? Leave a comment below.

Unraveling the Good Girl Part 1: Four Things This Little Beeatch Has to Say (and Why You Need to Listen)

Were you conditioned to be “the good girl?” You know, the one who says yes to everyone else, puts others’ needs before her own, and apologizes for taking up space?

Yeah, me too.

And just when I think I unraveled that “good girl” conditioning and said goodbye to her forever, you guessed it, something else happens to bring her back. It’s not that I don’t like her or appreciate what she’s done for me. But frankly, she gets a bit annoying, especially when I’m over here trying to live my life and realize some pretty crazy big-ass dreams. I mean, I’ve got a passionate mission to fulfill.

Oh, good girl…BITE ME!

This latest rearing of the ugly good girl came during an up-leveling in my business where I’m (gulp) inviting people to work with me in a bigger way. No biggie, right? That’s what entrepreneurs do.

But apparently, Miss Thang decided she needed to apologize for asking. WTF? Thank goodness for my own kick-ass coach who nipped that shizz in the bud and got me back on track.

But it got me to thinking…

What is that inner good girl here to teach me, and why in the HELL does she always show up when I’m stepping more fully into my purpose?

When I got silent and let those questions sink in a bit, the answers flooded me like a ton of bricks.

1. If I’m not a “good girl,” does that mean I’m a “bad girl?” It’s not a trick question, but one posed by a certain way of thinking. When we shed labels or masks or beliefs, there’s a certain stripping away of the fabric of our identity. We know ourselves in a certain way. Others rely on us being a certain way. So when that is questioned, it’s only natural to question who we are. The answer undoubtedly lies somewhere between “good” and “bad.”
2. What will people think of me if I break the “rules?” There are soooo many friggin’ rules, many of which are unspoken, unwritten, and (frankly) stupid. There I said it. Some rules are really stupid! Like ones that have us “not rocking the boat” or “making waves.” If I dare ask for what I want or take a stand for what’s right, what will people think?
3. The “good girl” once saved me a lot of angst. Despite my sometimes irrational hatred of my inner good girl, I have to give her props. Growing up in the chaotic abusive and neglectful household that I did, the good girl allowed me to survive. She gave me guidelines of how to act in a family that had rules that changed on a daily basis. I had my role and I played it well.
4. Old patterns get triggered by stress. Duh! That’s like healing 101. And something I have taught my clients and reminded them of time and time again over the years. But experiencing it firsthand can lead to amnesia. When going through big changes (no matter how welcomed they are), we can experience stress and our brains can go on auto-pilot, pulling up those old patterns.

As with any part of ourselves, there area always lessons to be learned. I challenge you to get silent and find out what YOUR inner good girl is trying to tell you.

In Part 2, I’ll explore some ways to gently let the good girl go.

Got any insights? Leave a comment below.

What it Looks Like to Be Free

Here in the USA we just finished celebrating Independence Day. Each year, it’s a reminder of what it means to be free and what sacrifices were made for our freedom.

Each year, I’m also reminded of what freedom means to me and how it looks on a more personal and individual basis.

To me, freedom is about living well and being my best self. It’s about creating (and maintaining) the type of lifestyle I want, which includes everything from relationships, to finances, to health, to play.

What does it really look like to be free? Here are some thoughts:

• Know what you want. If you don’t have a clear picture of what you want, how do you know when you have it…or worse, when you don’t? Freedom isn’t just about some vague notion of being able to have, be, or do anything you want. True freedom comes when your definition of being free is realized. For some people, freedom is about not working, but for others it’s about doing work they are passionate about.
• Entitlement has no place here. Some people confuse freedom with entitlement, or getting stuff you don’t work for. But freedom is about taking a stand for what you believe in and sometimes fighting the good fight to get it. Think about it, when you get handed something you haven’t worked for, does it really hold as much satisfaction as something you busted your ass for?
• Consistency is key. It’s near impossible to maintain anything, whether it’s sanity, weight, routines, relationships, etc. if we don’t keep doing things that work. Sure, we may know what DOESN’T work, but unless we make consistent effort to take the steps (large and small) that contribute to continued success, we’re sure to lose some sense of freedom.
• Sacrifices and compromises are part of the deal. Freedom isn’t something to be taken lightly. It sometimes requires us to make some tough decisions for the greater good. We sometimes must make sacrifices or compromises right now in order to have the future we long for.

Remember, freedom is something we are all striving for in one way or another.

What are your thoughts on what freedom looks like? Share a comment below.

Q&A: How Do I Stop the Spinning Thoughts

In today’s Q&A video blog, I’ll be answering a question that I get asked quite a bit in my live workshops…

How do I stop the spinning thoughts?

You know, the thoughts that keep spinning around in your head. The what if’s. The worries. The spirals of one thought leading down to some dark and dreary places. Watch and listen as I share some tips on how you can get out of those spinning thoughts.

Want to know more about how to tame your fear, embrace your greatness, and get out of your own way?

Ask your question and you just might see it in an upcoming video blog. Simply send your question to krylyn@krylyn.com.