Connecting to What Really Matters

What really matters? If you’re Billy Crystal in “City Slickers” it’s that ONE THING. Some say LOVE or FAMILY, others say PURPOSE. It seems what really matters is in many ways the same for most people, and in many ways different.

I believe WHAT matters is generally the same for most of us. It can be hard to articulate, but I think we all crave some sort of connection – with other people, with nature, with a higher power. Connection with someone or something outside ourselves lets us know we’re not alone. That we matter. That our life has meaning. In another movie, “Shall We Dance,“ Susan Sarandon talks about the importance of having a witness to our lives – someone who can testify that who we are has made some sort of impact in the world. And of course in the movie “Avatar “, the famous quote “I see you” speaks to our need for our souls, our essence, to be seen and our voices to be heard.

So if connection is what matters, then our task is to find HOW to focus on it and bring more of it into our lives. And that is where the differences come in. I think we get in trouble when our sense of connection is lost or threatened. We act in certain irrational ways, punishing ourselves and/or others. We fight for attention, clamoring against the thought of feeling invisible, like we don’t matter. We get competitive. We think small. We hold on tightly to expectations that are unrealistic. We cling to the past, longing for simpler, less confusing times. We live in the future, hoping for things to change. We are fearful. We forget what really matters. And we become disconnected, which might look like:

• Withdrawing from friends
• Escaping into mind-numbing activities (like TV, internet, texting, addictions)
• Distracting ourselves with too much work (or too much play)
• Avoiding making decisions
• Becoming overly controlling in a particular area of life (clutter/hoarding, eating, exercising, etc.)
• Not paying attention to our bodies signals (hunger, thirst, fatigue, pain, etc.)

Think about these questions for a moment:

• When do you feel connected?
• What are you doing?
• What are you thinking?
• What are you feeling?
• Who are you with when you feel connected?
• Where are you?
• What is your environment like (sights, sounds, smells)?

And try these tips on how to get more connected:

• After answering the above questions, make a list of what and who makes you feel connected. Remember to touch on the areas of people, places, and things.
• Think of ways to add connecting activities to your daily life. Make a list of these activities, everything from things you can do with little effort to things that might take some building up to. Brainstorm and get creative.
• Add one connecting activity to your day, every day. Mark it in your calendar if you need to. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time.

Lately, for me connection looks like:

• Spending time with friends – on the phone, online, and in person
• Traveling to new (and old) places
• Breathing in fresh air
• Petting my 10-year old cat for longer periods of time
• Getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people
• Writing songs
• Talking to my son on the phone regularly now that he is away at college
• Asking people for help

I’d love to hear what helps you feel connected. Please leave a comment below.