Category Archives for Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway
The Top 3 Ways Fear Is Destroying You
I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day. She said she doesn’t really have a lot of major fears in her life right now, but that she is avoiding making some decisions based on very real concerns (such as time and money). She had a difficult time relating to the word fear, but as soon as I phrased it another way, our conversation really took off. And it got me to thinking. If my friend, who is one of the most intelligent, creative, wonderful women I know, gets tripped up on fear, I wonder how many other people do too. Could you be mistaking your fear for something else? I know I have.
I think fear can be quite a manipulator, twisting things around for us. And who wants to admit they are afraid when it doesn’t feel like a major issue? Just like with everything, it’s a matter of degree and intensity. Some fears are small and don’t feel very urgent or painful. Others are huge and seem insurmountable. But no matter what fear looks like, it can still eat away at our confidence, security, and peace of mind, as well as undermine all our best efforts to make lasting, positive changes in our lives.
One of the ways fear can really destroy us is when we don’t recognize it as fear. Back to my friend, who wasn’t able to identify any fears…as soon as I switched the word fear to stuckness, it changed our whole conversation. She was able to see some of what she is experiencing as a fear with lower intensity. Sometimes it’s just in how we identify it and talk about it. Maybe you call fear something else: sadness, a funk, being unlucky, etc. When we don’t recognize fear for what it is, we might miss the opportunity to course correct, to make changes that would benefit us and move us out of pain or frustration to power and happiness.
Another way fear can destroy us is when we don’t acknowledge it. Just because we don’t admit something doesn’t mean it’s not true. Ever heard of denial? Yeah…it’s out there. And my guess is you’ve used that old trick at least once in your life (just like everyone else). When we deny the truth, it doesn’t make it any less true. In fact, it typically has the opposite effect. The truth gets bigger, bolder, more daring, and more in-your-face. Ever notice that?
A third way fear can destroy us is when we stay stuck in it. Again, we’ve all been there – allowed fear to keep us from moving forward. Sometimes, stuckness is a blessing, giving us time to think and form a plan of action. But other times, it becomes an excuse and leads to a snowball effect of inaction, negative thinking, and unhappiness. Moving through fear requires action. Not necessarily a big action, but action. One small action can start the momentum you need for other actions, and a snowball effect in a better direction toward positive thinking, excitement, and achievement.
So knowing that fear destroys us when we don’t recognize it as fear, don’t acknowledge it, and stay stuck in it, now what? Here’s some tips on how to counteract the destructive effects of fear:
- Look at any area of your life where you feel “stuck.” Examine it a bit closer to see if there’s really some fear keeping you from making a decision, even if it’s a low intensity type of fear.
- Call fear out! Acknowledge that what you are feeling is fear. Once it’s named, it has less power over you.
- Once you name and acknowledge your fear, it’s time to take one action to move through it. This doesn’t have to be a huge step, but like I said, moving through fear requires action. Identify one thing you can do, and then do it.
- Find some support. It takes commitment and continued practice to move through fear. And sometimes even a “cheerleader,” someone to hold your hand in support, keep you on track, and help guide you through the process. Identify someone you trust to help you. This could be a friend, family member, or even a professional (therapist, coach, etc.).
Whatever you’re afraid of, please know you’re not alone. We’re all afraid of something. And we all fall into the traps of fear’s grip. The issue isn’t about never being afraid, it’s about how we handle it when we are. So go out there, own your fear, and get fear-less!
If you’re looking for more practical, tried, and proven techniques for overcoming fear, as well as a “cheerleader” to help you, please consider joining me for a full-day workshop I’ll be hosting next month “Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway”®. Click here for more information.
What Fear Is (And Is Not)
Fear is one of the strongest core emotions we have. We’re hard-wired for it as a means for survival. Big predator comes along, fear kicks in, and action follows – all in the name of self-preservation. As we’ve evolved, our instincts really haven’t. Survival. Plain and simple.
While our instincts haven’t really changed, our outer environment has significantly. No longer are big predators hunting us. Sure there are hazards, such as bad drivers on the road and economic downturns, but most of us in the western, developed world live free from major daily threats to our lives.
What has changed significantly is our inner environment. What do I mean by inner environment? It’s our thoughts and how we think about things. Our thoughts and the way we think drive how we feel and act. When we perceive a threat, our instincts kick in to protect us. It doesn’t matter if that threat is about a giant mammal chasing us or a loved one saying something to us in anger that hurts. The result is our core human instincts doing what they can to save us from the real (or imagined) threat to our lives.
Let’s say you lose your job. While this can certainly be a threat to your long-term survival, chances are it’s the way you think about it that spirals you into fear and keeps you there. We might say to ourselves that we’re nothing without the job, our identity is wrapped up in what we do and how we earn money. We may wonder how we’re going to pay our bills and keep the lifestyle we’ve grown accustomed to. But our immediate survival is intact. Losing our job didn’t strike us down dead. Did it change things? Sure. But it didn’t end our life. It’s about perspective. Our thoughts about losing our job are what perpetuate the fear, and kick in those instincts for survival.
In most cases, fear is just a signal that something is a bit off. It may be a sign that we need to change something, or that something doesn’t quite feel right. Our task, then, is to read the sign and act accordingly. Some of us choose to be fearful and move forward anyway. In the case of the lost job, fear is a normal reaction, and may help us think of ways to ensure our survival (network with colleagues about other possible jobs, consider getting additional training or education to become more marketable in the workplace, use savings to pay our expenses, etc.).
But for others, fear can keep us stuck. Losing that job means I’m worthless and no one wants me, which leads to lower motivation and energy about looking for solutions, which leads to inaction, more negative thoughts, and the cycle of continues. Sound familiar?
My guess is we’ve all been in both places. In some situations, we’re able to move past the fear. And in other situations, we get stuck. The trick is to find ways to get unstuck as soon as possible.
As you are faced with the ups and downs of life and fear inevitably creeps in, keep in mind what fear really is (and is not)…
Fear is:
- Unavoidable
- Natural and normal
- A basic, core emotion
- A signal that something is changing or needs to change
Fear is NOT:
- The end of the world
- A sign to give up entirely
- Evil
So as you move through life, remember the times you are able to move forward despite your fear. Take note of how you do that, and what thoughts and actions are most helpful, as well as which ones keep you stuck. The best way to get unstuck is to do things you know have helped you in the past.
Remember, fear is inevitable. You can either embrace it or resist it. Which will you choose?
To get more practical, tried and tested techniques that have helped over 12 million people worldwide face and move through their fears, consider joining me for my live one-day workshop “Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway”® based on the best-selling book of the same title by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. For details, go to http://www.krylyn.com/feelthefear.
Photo: By: Lehigh Valley, PA