The Down Side of Self Improvement

It’s that time of year. Just when you think it’s safe to re-enter your life, pack up your holiday decorations, and get back to a sense of normalcy, the New Year’s resolution messages creep in.

Lose weight…get healthy…build your business…fix your relationships…build wealth…make 2013 the BEST YEAR EVER…

I must admit I am a recovering self-help junkie. The lure is intoxicating isn’t it? If only this program, this product, this time will make me happy…It’s seductive. It’s inspiring. It’s marketing. And it may also be what’s keeping you stuck just where you are.

Think about the term self improvement. It implies there’s something wrong, something that needs fixing. If we live our lives based on that belief, then we ride the endless cycle of feeling broken and looking for repair. And most of the time looking for answers (aka things) outside ourselves: books, classes, pills, equipment, gadgets, relationships, etc.

I’m a strong believer that our feelings are a product of our choices, thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs. That things outside of us can’t make us feel, but rather our reaction to those things creates our experiences.

But it’s a fine line between wanting to change and feeling horrible about who we are. And this is the season for people to capitalize on that subtle distinction.

I think there are many products and services out there that can be helpful to us in our journey to change. The trick is picking ones that help rather than hurt us in the process. If messages come at you with a “this is what’s wrong with you” tone, I’d say avoid them altogether. Look for messages that expand on something you’re already doing or wanting that support you and focus on the positive.

What would YOU like to change in 2013? Here’s some things to try as you look ahead to the year and life you want to create:

1. Make a list of what you accomplished in 2012. So many times it’s easy to focus on what we DIDN’T do. But be sure to take some time honoring the things you DID do.
2. List all the things you are grateful for. Make this a regular practice.
3. Spend some time alone in silence or listening to music that is calming. Think of what you want to create for the upcoming year in the areas of health and well being, relationships, career, finance, etc. Then write down one realistic, obtainable goal for each category that you can accomplish within a month.

Remember, wanting to make positive changes and improvements in your life is normal and healthy if it comes from a place of strength. Focus on the positive that’s already in your life and what you want to create and you’ll be off to a great start in making this a wonderful year.

Top 12 Ways to Keep Stress at Bay This Holiday Season

We are smack dab in the middle of the holidays. For some, it’s a time of joy, sharing, giving, and connection. For others, it’s a difficult time with painful or sad memories. No matter what your experience, there’s bound to be something that gets under your skin. ‘Tis the season for stress to surface, tempers to flare, feelings to get hurt, and overwhelm to abound.

To help you ease any unwanted tension associated with this time of year, I’ve compiled a list of 10 of my favorite ways you can take good care of yourself during the holiday season (and beyond). Enjoy!

1. Be Consistent: During this time many of us have time off from work and the regular routines we practice most days of the year. While getting a break from the mundane day-to-day of our lives can be a blessing, it can also upset some sort of balance we’ve already put in place. By all means, enjoy some less structured time, but be mindful of how straying too far from things like regular sleep times, meal times, and household routines can affect getting back to those routines when the time comes. Be as consistent as possible while also giving yourself a well-deserved break.
2. Think Before You Speak: When others say and do things that “push your buttons” you may find yourself going on auto-pilot and just blurting out what you really think. But when emotions are running high, what comes out of our mouths is rarely what we really mean to say. Do yourself a favor and take some time to think before you speak. If needed, leave the situation, go into another room, hang up the phone, or summon every bit of self control you have to keep yourself from saying something you may regret later.
3. Ask for Help: There’s no shame in asking for help when you really need it. Since there always seems to be more to do than time to do it in at this time of year, you’ll probably have ample opportunity to ask for some help in getting things done. Plus, most people like to help and feel needed, but aren’t sure what to do unless you ask them.
4. Learn to Say No: Saying “no” is an art form. We are so programmed to not hurt others’ feelings that we sometimes end up hurting ourselves the most in the end. By saying yes to everything and everyone else during this busy time, you could be setting yourself up for feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Instead of looking at it as saying “no” to others, think of it as saying “yes” to yourself. Yes to taking care of yourself. Yes to only doing things you really want to do. Yes to a holiday season that is more manageable. What’s not to like about yes?
5. Rest and Be Merry: What good are you going to be to anyone (including yourself) if you run yourself ragged? One thing we sometimes do when there is more to do is forego sleep to get it all done. But when you sacrifice rest, it can have some significant and undesirable consequences. You can become irritable, lose your focus easily, have difficulty completing tasks, be more vulnerable to illness, and the list goes on. Do yourself a favor and make it a point of getting your optimal amount of sleep each night (from 7 to 9 hours). If something has to go because you just have too much on your to-do list, find something else to sacrifice.
6. Unplug the Technology: Despite popular belief, the world will NOT end if you turn off your phone(s), computer, television, and other electronic devices to enjoy some real human interaction. Even if all you do is spend some quiet, uninterrupted time with yourself and your thoughts, it will be well worth it.
7. Work It Out: Many studies have proven that exercise makes a person feel better through the release of endorphins, and it works out the stressful tension in the muscles and recharges your energy levels. To combat the effects of stress this holiday season, try relaxing exercises such as stretching, yoga, or tai chi. Just a few extra minutes of exercise a day can benefit your overall health.
8. Take Stock in Your “Stuff”: Now is the perfect time of year to stop, take a moment, and take stock of all that you have. Sure, some of that might be material possessions (like a house, car, and other “stuff”), but also think of the non-tangible “stuff” you have, like relationships, your health, your attitude, your sense of humor, etc. It’s easy to focus on the negative or what we don’t have. But it’s so much more productive (and stress relieving) to think of all that we have to be grateful for. Make a list of your gratitudes…often. And review it whenever you start to feel overwhelmed by the stresses of the season.
9. Just Breathe: Did you know that when we get stressed, we tend to hold our breath? Have you ever noticed that? Make a point to tune into your breath regularly during this time of year…when you’re waiting in lines buying those holiday gifts, when you’re searching for parking spots at the mall, or when you’re stuck in traffic.
10. Tickle Your Funny Bone: One of the best kept secrets in stress relief is the power of laughter. Laughter helps us by providing a physical release of tension, distracting us from the seriousness we can get focused on when we’re feeling stressed, and connecting us with others. Have you ever felt relieved, lighter, less stressed after a good laugh? That’s because your body automatically tenses and releases several muscles, from your abdominals, shoulders, etc. This tension and release allows our bodies to let go of physical tension, which can lead to a release of emotional tension as well. Laughter can be contagious and create an instant bond between strangers, acquaintances, or friends. Studies show that the more connected we feel with others, the better able we are at dealing with stressful situations.
11. Pencil in Some “Me” Time: Give yourself some evenings off to relax, enjoy some down time, and take in the blessings of the season. It’s okay to take a break. And it might just be the best “present” you could receive this holiday season.
12. Practice Forgiveness: Some people believe that forgiveness is about what someone else did, but really, it’s about us. When we hang on to the wrongs of others, it affects us far greater than the other person. We can harbor painful feelings, negative thoughts, and spend a lot of energy thinking about something that’s in the past. The holidays are prime time to practice forgiveness, as we are often reminded of our past and the ways we think things should have been. As the ultimate gift to yourself, find something or someone you can forgive and then let it go.

Do you have any other favorite holiday stress busters? Feel free to leave a comment below.

Photo: Lonesome Hartwood Acres Holiday Tree © by iriskh

Happy Holidays…Flash Mob Style

Looking for some unique holiday celebrations? Look no further than a bunch of people randomly bursting into song and dance in public. The best part is watching the bystander reactions of surprise turn into joy. Happy Holidays! Enjoy these holiday flash mob videos!

1. ‪Carlson School of Management Flash Mob, Deck the Halls‬

2. FlashMob Lisbon Airport for Christmas

3. Christmas Food Court Flash Mob, Hallelujah Chorus – Must See!

4. Singing Flash Mob – All I Want For Christmas

5. Holiday Christmas Music Flash Mob of the American Festival Chorus at Cache Valley Mall

6. Darth Vader conducts Christmas Choir Flash Mob – Carol of the Bells

7. Simpson College Hallelujah Chorus Flash Mob

8. [OFFICIAL] Frisco Square “Christmas in the Square” Flash Mob – Frisco, TX

9. YVR Christmas Flash Mob

Happy Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown Style…

Traditions! Football, trust in friends, hard work, giving thanks, and family meals. Just a few of the things cited in one of my favorite childhood Thanksgiving traditions: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Watch as Charlie and the gang explore the true meaning of the holiday. Enjoy! And HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Top 15 Non-Work Things To Do This Labor Day

If you’re anything like me, you have a to-do list a mile long – filled with a mixture of things you must do, things you need to do, and things you want to do. The things I want to do tend to get pushed further and further down the list to make room for all that really needs to get done. And I must constantly keep the list in check to ensure I don’t always end up on the bottom of my to-do list.

This Labor Day, I challenge you to take some time out and really put yourself at the top of your priority list. Despite what kind of work you do to pay your bills, take this opportunity to step away from anything work-related to celebrate all that you do during normal business hours (and beyond if you tend, like I do, to work a non-traditional work week).

Here’s some ideas to get you started on what you can do to celebrate you this Labor Day:

1. Sleep in
2. Dust off a novel you’ve been meaning to read and READ IT
3. Unplug yourself from your computer and phones
4. Take a day trip to enjoy your local nature (water, forest, desert, dunes, mountains, etc.)
5. Finish a project that you enjoy
6. Spend the day with a good friend who will help take your mind off work
7. Watch a movie
8. Take a walk, hike, or bike ride
9. Meditate
10. Listen to some music to help you relax (or re-energize)
11. Prepare a delicious, nutritious meal
12. Play a board game with friends or family
13. Go swimming
14. Do something crafty (if that’s your thing)
15. Have a picnic in your back yard or at a local park

Can you think of other ways to celebrate you and all the hard work you do? Wonderful. Now go do them and enjoy a day off!

Photo: Picnic © by KFoodaddict

How to Celebrate Mother’s Day if You’re NOT a Mother (but Wish You Were)

As I was writing a recent article, “How to Celebrate Mother’s Day When You Don’t Have a Mother,” I felt compelled to also address Mother’s Day for those who aren’t mothers but want to be. I have several friends who have had (or attempted to have) children through alternative methods: surrogacy, IVF, adoption. And I have a friend who is currently in the midst of deciding if she will do whatever it takes to be a mother or give up her dream to become a mother.

Watching the struggles these friends have endured has been difficult. These are strong, confident, inspirational women. Many have suffered through the pain of miscarriage and felt utterly alone in their grief. As one pointed out to me several years ago, Hallmark doesn’t make cards for those grieving the loss of an unborn child.

What these women have had in common is the drive to become a mother. They just knew that was their ultimate calling. And it gets me thinking about what it means to be a mother, especially a mother without a child.

• Mothers are nurturing. They care for people around them, tend to their needs, provide compassion, empathy, kisses on boo-boos (real or imagined), words of encouragement.
• Mothers are teachers. They guide others to think for themselves, learn the tough lessons, and navigate unchartered territories. They can find lessons in every situation and realize that what they do is often much more important than what they say. They are role models.
• Mothers are supportive. They are the cheerleaders for those around them. They provide gentle nudges when needed but allow you to make your own mistakes and learn from them.

To all those mothers out there who don’t have children, I encourage you to see that you have all the qualities of a great mother and that everyone around you benefits. We see how you nurture us, teach us, and support us, and we are grateful. Thank you for being a light in our lives.

Slide © by kimubert