Unraveling the Good Girl Part 1: Four Things This Little Beeatch Has to Say (and Why You Need to Listen)

Were you conditioned to be “the good girl?” You know, the one who says yes to everyone else, puts others’ needs before her own, and apologizes for taking up space?

Yeah, me too.

And just when I think I unraveled that “good girl” conditioning and said goodbye to her forever, you guessed it, something else happens to bring her back. It’s not that I don’t like her or appreciate what she’s done for me. But frankly, she gets a bit annoying, especially when I’m over here trying to live my life and realize some pretty crazy big-ass dreams. I mean, I’ve got a passionate mission to fulfill.

Oh, good girl…BITE ME!

This latest rearing of the ugly good girl came during an up-leveling in my business where I’m (gulp) inviting people to work with me in a bigger way. No biggie, right? That’s what entrepreneurs do.

But apparently, Miss Thang decided she needed to apologize for asking. WTF? Thank goodness for my own kick-ass coach who nipped that shizz in the bud and got me back on track.

But it got me to thinking…

What is that inner good girl here to teach me, and why in the HELL does she always show up when I’m stepping more fully into my purpose?

When I got silent and let those questions sink in a bit, the answers flooded me like a ton of bricks.

1. If I’m not a “good girl,” does that mean I’m a “bad girl?” It’s not a trick question, but one posed by a certain way of thinking. When we shed labels or masks or beliefs, there’s a certain stripping away of the fabric of our identity. We know ourselves in a certain way. Others rely on us being a certain way. So when that is questioned, it’s only natural to question who we are. The answer undoubtedly lies somewhere between “good” and “bad.”
2. What will people think of me if I break the “rules?” There are soooo many friggin’ rules, many of which are unspoken, unwritten, and (frankly) stupid. There I said it. Some rules are really stupid! Like ones that have us “not rocking the boat” or “making waves.” If I dare ask for what I want or take a stand for what’s right, what will people think?
3. The “good girl” once saved me a lot of angst. Despite my sometimes irrational hatred of my inner good girl, I have to give her props. Growing up in the chaotic abusive and neglectful household that I did, the good girl allowed me to survive. She gave me guidelines of how to act in a family that had rules that changed on a daily basis. I had my role and I played it well.
4. Old patterns get triggered by stress. Duh! That’s like healing 101. And something I have taught my clients and reminded them of time and time again over the years. But experiencing it firsthand can lead to amnesia. When going through big changes (no matter how welcomed they are), we can experience stress and our brains can go on auto-pilot, pulling up those old patterns.

As with any part of ourselves, there area always lessons to be learned. I challenge you to get silent and find out what YOUR inner good girl is trying to tell you.

In Part 2, I’ll explore some ways to gently let the good girl go.

Got any insights? Leave a comment below.

What it Looks Like to Be Free

Here in the USA we just finished celebrating Independence Day. Each year, it’s a reminder of what it means to be free and what sacrifices were made for our freedom.

Each year, I’m also reminded of what freedom means to me and how it looks on a more personal and individual basis.

To me, freedom is about living well and being my best self. It’s about creating (and maintaining) the type of lifestyle I want, which includes everything from relationships, to finances, to health, to play.

What does it really look like to be free? Here are some thoughts:

• Know what you want. If you don’t have a clear picture of what you want, how do you know when you have it…or worse, when you don’t? Freedom isn’t just about some vague notion of being able to have, be, or do anything you want. True freedom comes when your definition of being free is realized. For some people, freedom is about not working, but for others it’s about doing work they are passionate about.
• Entitlement has no place here. Some people confuse freedom with entitlement, or getting stuff you don’t work for. But freedom is about taking a stand for what you believe in and sometimes fighting the good fight to get it. Think about it, when you get handed something you haven’t worked for, does it really hold as much satisfaction as something you busted your ass for?
• Consistency is key. It’s near impossible to maintain anything, whether it’s sanity, weight, routines, relationships, etc. if we don’t keep doing things that work. Sure, we may know what DOESN’T work, but unless we make consistent effort to take the steps (large and small) that contribute to continued success, we’re sure to lose some sense of freedom.
• Sacrifices and compromises are part of the deal. Freedom isn’t something to be taken lightly. It sometimes requires us to make some tough decisions for the greater good. We sometimes must make sacrifices or compromises right now in order to have the future we long for.

Remember, freedom is something we are all striving for in one way or another.

What are your thoughts on what freedom looks like? Share a comment below.

What At-Risk Youth Have to Teach Us About Life

The most profound changes often come from the smallest of shifts in our perspective. This is a belief I find myself coming back to again and again, especially when evidence mounts to support it.

Recently, I spent two weeks volunteering with at-risk youth at Theater Camp through Free Arts of Arizona. The camp helps abused and neglected youth living in groups homes, shelters, and treatment facilities tell their stories through the creative arts (acting, spoken word poetry, dance/movement, visual arts, and music).

Having just gone through a major re-brand in my business, I was ready for a break. Things didn’t go as planned and instead of spending more time troubleshooting technical issues and living in the space of uncertainty, I was so grateful to get away. I knew the time focusing on other things would help shift my perspective, and I was right.

I also believe that there are lessons everywhere. Lessons to help us remember. Lessons to help us regain our perspective on what truly matters. Here are just some of the lessons I learned (and re-learned) by stepping away from my daily routine and being of service to some amazing young folks:

1. We all want to be seen for who we truly are. These kids had some poignant stories to share about what they’ve been through – sexual abuse, gang violence, parents dying naturally or being murdered, physical abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, etc. Even some of us who didn’t grow up in “the system” have similar stories to share. But we are NOT our stories. We are survivors. We all want to love and be loved. We all want to be accepted.

2. We all have a voice – and that voice matters. In a discussion early on in Theater Camp, the kids talked about wanting to have a voice in what happens to them. They are sometimes left out of important talks that affect where they live and with whom. While there are decisions to be made from a bigger picture perspective, no one’s voice should ever be excluded from the conversation. That goes in your life too. Just because your voice may not be the final say, it still deserves to be heard. Your voice matters, especially when it comes to your life. Speak up. Be heard.

3. We all want to be part of something. Many of these kids said they wanted to be part of a family. Some turned to gangs or drugs or self- harm behaviors (like cutting themselves) to escape the pain of NOT feeling like they belonged. There is a basic human need to feel like part of a bigger whole – a community or family. These kids found that type of support at Theater Camp and were able to thrive because of it. Sometimes the people you are born to are NOT the healthiest. But that doesn’t mean you cannot create your own community or family. We all need that kind of support to help us grow and thrive.

4. We all need encouragement and support. So many of these kids wanted to quit and give up. Some walked out of rehearsals or froze or said they weren’t going to get on stage. They were afraid. Can you relate to wanting to give up due to fear? I sure can. But what amazed me is that just a few words of encouragement, a chat about how fear is a GOOD THING because it tells you that what you are doing is really important, and some rallying made all the difference. These kids (who often have been disappointed numerous times by several adults in their lives) KNEW that me and the other adults there had their backs. We were there to support them through the fear and celebrate with them when they moved through it. I cannot stress this point enough – you can do great things with the right support behind you.

5. We must be vulnerable in order to grow. Vulnerability is scary. There’s no way around it. In order to get past hurt, pain, fear, anxiety, etc., we must feel it and move through it. And the only way to do that is to be vulnerable. Showing our vulnerability to others is healing not only for us, but for those witnessing it. This was Theater Camp. The kids who were brave and shared their stories inspired the kids who didn’t. The audiences who came to the final performances were invited to share how they were affected. Many stood up in tears, stating how they could personally relate to the kids on stage or how those stories touched them deeply. Some would tell you that vulnerability is weakness, but I challenge that. If you have ever witnessed anyone sharing their pain, you know how much courage it takes to do that. We open ourselves up in such a beautiful way by doing that. And it’s my honor to witness people doing that – not only these kids but also my clients.

I’m sure there are other lessons in the Theater Camp experience, and perhaps I’ll write more about them when they surface. For now, I’m honored to have been a witness to these young folks on their journey to healing. Their bravery has impacted me and everyone else who worked with them and who came to their performances. And they have helped remind us all some very important life lessons.

Got a comment? Share it below.

Q&A: How Do I Stop the Spinning Thoughts

In today’s Q&A video blog, I’ll be answering a question that I get asked quite a bit in my live workshops…

How do I stop the spinning thoughts?

You know, the thoughts that keep spinning around in your head. The what if’s. The worries. The spirals of one thought leading down to some dark and dreary places. Watch and listen as I share some tips on how you can get out of those spinning thoughts.

Want to know more about how to tame your fear, embrace your greatness, and get out of your own way?

Ask your question and you just might see it in an upcoming video blog. Simply send your question to krylyn@krylyn.com.

Want to Make Decisions More Easily? Hit Delete.

When I write, I edit as I go. Copying, pasting, moving things around, and deleting words and phrases in favor of other ones that are more descript. The delete button is often associated with erasing and correcting mistakes. But I like to think of it as my companion in helping me express myself and get my ideas, thoughts, advice, and vision out into the world. This is a subtle, yet important distinction.

Too often, we are bombarded with messages in our lives that something is wrong, we’ve made a mistake, or that we must change something in order to be (fill in the blank: happier, more fulfilled, sexier, more attractive, healthier, and the list goes on). It can be overwhelming with all these seemingly negative messages.

But there are times when just shifting our perspective, the subtle distinction, can make all the difference.

What if hitting the delete button was about:

• Changing our minds, or
• Deepening our expression, or
• Owning our value, or
• Saying no to something that doesn’t really work, or
• Being brave and vulnerable, or
• All of the above?

What if hitting the delete button applied to more than just writing? To things like:

• Walking away from a bad situation
• Getting out of an unfulfilling relationship
• Apologizing for something we said or did
• Changing our career
• Improving our health
• Following our passion

You see, when we look at any situation knowing that we can DELETE what we don’t like…or change it…it takes a lot of the pressure off. What pressure, you may ask? The pressure to be perfect, to make the “right” decision.

I know firsthand that the pressure to “get it right” (and even to get it right the first time out the gate) can be paralyzing. It can make it difficult to move forward, to take that first step. It can bring up thoughts of “why even bother” or “I need to get all these others things done before I can do this.”

In other words, living life as if there is no delete button SUCKS!

What if every time you think “I can’t do it” you could just DELETE and shift to “I can do it despite my fear?”

And whenever you think “It’s got to be perfect” you could just DELETE and shift to “I am going to do this one step and if I need to, I can change it?”

And when you get caught up in “what if I make the wrong decision” you could just DELETE and say “there are no wrong decisions only subtle distinctions to be made in how I look at this?”

How different would life be if you could DELETE the thoughts that do not serve you and shift your perspective?

I wonder…

So next time you get caught up in things needing to be a certain way, remember:

• DELETE that thought
• Shift the way you look at the situation
• You can make any changes, or course corrections you need to at any point in the process
• No matter what happens, you will be okay

How will you use your delete button? Leave a comment below to share!

How Creativity Saved My Life

As a songwriter, I can tell you firsthand about my experience with being creative. When I was growing up, I used creativity as both an escape and a way to express the hidden, scary feelings and thoughts I had. You see, I was raised by parents who abused alcohol to manage their undiagnosed mental illness.

Talk about an unpredictable household!

I never knew what mood my mother would be in, who would be home and when, if it would be a loud day or a silent day. I was often left to fend for myself, expected to feed myself and get myself to and from school on my own by the age of 8.

There were times I woke in the night to screaming, slamming doors, and the sound of my mother hitting my older sister. Other times I woke in the night to find no one home. I was often scared, lonely, and confused.

Songwriting was my escape, my refuge. I often call it my “drug of choice,” as it was my positive addiction growing up and a way for me to channel my angst. I not only got to get away from the chaos of my family, but also got to tap into thoughts and feelings I wasn’t able to articulate without the use of music

As I got older, I started to really appreciate the process of creativity. Sure the outcome of having a finished song was very nice, but the process was more healing for me in many ways.  It allowed me to express myself, be in the moment, take risks, be okay with mistakes, accept myself, discover myself, and just be. There weren’t many other ways or places I could just be myself like that. So I came to cherish my time in creative pursuits and would come away with a renewed sense of energy, passion, and self. It was like coming home. Maybe you can relate to this.

Professionally, I was drawn to the helping professions. I got my bachelor of arts in psychology and my master’s in counseling. I became a licensed psychotherapist and certified life coach and have worked for over 13 years helping people to deal with the effects of trauma, neglect, and abuse, learn to manage depression and anxiety symptoms, practice more effective communication and coping skills, and learn creative ways to deal with fear, burnout, and stress.

I get to use creativity all the time in my work from both a process (helping people shift their perspective, expand their thinking, embrace their feelings) and outcome (sing, write a song, accomplish a goal) perspective. I watch my clients practice their new skills to improve their relationships, reduce conflict, ask for what they want, get rid of nightmares, eliminate panic attacks, increase their confidence and sense of worth, bust through their fear, and live happier, more balanced lives.

Have you ever had that a-ha moment when things just click and make sense? An idea pops into your head that helps you look at a situation in a new light, giving you the answer or solution you’ve been looking for? THAT is the process and power of creativity.

After seeing not only how creativity helped me, but has helped so many others, I wanted to bring it to the world on a bigger scale. That’s why I created the…

Creativity and Wellness Summit

This is a powerful annual online conference designed to make you think outside the box and give you practical, fun, and easy-to-use tips to help you get unstuck from the muck that holds you back – personally and professionally.

I’ve gathered together some top experts who also know how powerful creativity can be to our emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health.

You’ll hear their stories of how creativity has benefited them and the people they work with. And listen in as they share their best strategies for improving your life and business. We discuss their unique perspectives on creativity and get an inside view of the specific, tested techniques they use to help people create amazing, powerful, positive shifts in their lives. Best of all, you’ll receive usable, actionable information that you can apply to your life and business today.

This Summit is about breaking out of old patterns that don’t serve you…and having some fun along the way!  What I really love the amount of amazing, rich, content these experts give that you can use right now in your life and work. We all know how tremendously healing the power of creativity can be. This Summit is truly a labor of love and service – a gift from us to you.

If you’d like to get FREE access to experts with powerful and creative healing tools, you won’t want to miss this. Get more details and register at www.CreativityAndWellnessSummit.com.