Getting In My Own Damn Way (Twice) and How to Choose the Empowered Response by Stephanie Ghoston
Guest Post by Stephanie Ghoston
I almost messed up my opportunity to work with my first coach TWICE.
First time: After cyberstalking binge-consuming all of his content for about 3 weeks, I convinced myself that I just had to work with him; he was speaking straight to my soul! But do you know how many times I started filling out his coaching form online, but then closed down that tab because “I wasn’t ready?” On my second to last attempt, I wanted to double check my grammar and spelling before submitting it but got distracted with something else. My laptop ran out of battery aaaaaand….you guessed it; I lost all of the answers to the questionnaire.
Second time: Ok, now I get my life together, turn in the questionnaire and wait…and he wrote back! (yesssss) Set up a time to talk! (hell yesssss) Wait for him to call at said date and time…no call… oh no (iknewishouldnthavedonethistol
If I would’ve listened to those voices, I would’ve missed out on the most important three months of my life. His coaching program took me on a roller coaster I was totally not prepared to ride. I thought I had my issues under control. I thought I just needed a little snip snip here and there and voila, perfect Steph. I thought he’d just give me the answers so I could just “get there”…wherever “there” was.
Instead, he asked powerful questions. He lead with curiosity, love, and intuition. He was always focused, fully present, and totally open to whatever questions/concerns I had. He truly walked his talk. And life is completely different now because of it.
At the end of our time together, he asked me to come up with the biggest lesson I learned from the program, which was to choose the empowered response.
Here’s the way it works: the only thing you can control in life is how you respond to the circumstances you were dealt. Your freedom depends on it. See, when situations play out or someone does something to you, that’s all on them. They’re acting based on how they feel, without considering where you are in life and how you feel. Maybe they’re lashing out or had a bad day, but their actions have nothing to do with you; you cannot take that personally.
Let’s say you’re walking down the street, bump into a guy who just won the lottery, fell in love, and got a raise, all in the same day. He bumps into you but immediately smiles and apologizes profusely and wishes you well. You’re feeling good right?
Ok, same street, same bump, same you, different guy. He just lost his job, filed for bankruptcy, AND his dog died. Now, instead of smiling, he cusses you out and almost knocks your head off. Did you change? Does he know a little secret about you that the first guy didn’t? Of course not, but I’m sure you’re feeling a little differently. Bottom line is that the mad guy treated you differently because of the state of mind he was in. Instead of taking that personally, look at the situation with compassion. “Wow, maybe he had a really bad day. Either way, I won’t take it personal.”
Hypothetical-guys and hypothetical-you are cute and all but let’s get real life here. Is there someone in your life who did you wrong? Maybe you didn’t feel like “he” loved you enough, “she” was mean, or “they” did something unforgivable to you. The narrative that you keep repeating is that this person did something TO you. That’s a victim centered mentality. In this narrative, you have no power, no agency, and you’re still mad about it to this day, without even realizing it. How do I know that? Because in order to rectify the perceived wrong, you want revenge. You want that person to feel hurt and small like you did. Most importantly, you are waiting for an apology and THEN and only then, you can get over it. In this way, that person still holds power over your emotions and the key to your freedom.
Now imagine a different scenario, where you are no longer a victim or a slave to that mentality. A scenario where instead of anger, you’re filled with compassion and love. In this scenario, you have all of the power. Your release depends on you to forgive; it’s a unilateral action, no apology required. But don’t think you’re out of the clear; forgiveness may be a one way street but not a one time act. Continue to forgive and be empowered with that response.
Here are some action steps for choosing the empowered response:
- Resist and dismiss: resist the victim centered response. Dismiss it like you would an errant thought when you’re trying hard to pay attention to something. Don’t even entertain it.
- Watch your words. Go from passive to active: I’m no grammar whiz (see last 4 words) but make yourself the subject, ie “I ___” rather than the object, ie someone acted upon you “She ____ to me.”
- Have compassion. Don’t take it personal. How people treat you is a reflection of themselves and what’s going on in their life, not yours. Therefore, have compassion. Chances are, they treat themselves the same way with no recourse, escape, or filter. You have all of those avenues.
- Release and forgive. Stick to your sphere of control. Release the anger and hurt. Respect and love yourself enough to not require that from others. Forgive….and keep on forgiving until the act/person has less and less power and influence over your thinking.
Tell me, have you been in a scenario lately where you chose the empowered response? How did you react, I want to know!
ABOUT THIS GUEST: Stephanie Ghoston is the founder and life coach of Cultivated Sense, a movement that promotes ordinary ways to live extraordinarily and encourages people to stop settling in life and love. She’s also a coach and matchmaker with the Paul C. Brunson Agency, an award-winning boutique matchmaking and lifestyle coaching firm. Stephanie has been featured on blogs such as the HuffPost. For Harriet, The Black Life Coaches Network, and The Art of Perspective. She’s also a Best-selling author featured in 20 Beautiful Women Volume 3. Stephanie is also the forthcoming author of I Am Beautiful and The 42%. www.cultivatedsense.com
Listen to Stephanie’s Get Out of Your Own Damn Way podcast interview HERE.
