Do You Trust Yourself, Part 2: The Beautiful Truth About Trust

In Part 1, Do You Trust Yourself, Part 1: The Ugly Truth About Distrust, I shed light on the toll distrust (of others and yourself) can take on you. I also talked about how we tend to separate ourselves from trust, thinking its something outside of us.

Now I’d like to dive deeper into what trust really is, break it down, to take away its scary power.

So, what is trust? The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as:

A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something

Let’s break that down.

Reliability is about being consistent. It’s about doing what we say we’re going to do. It’s about integrity and being true to our word. It’s about our words matching our actions. We all know people who say one thing and do something different. But is that person you? Do you say you’re going to start a new healthy lifestyle then back out of it? Do you say you’re going to work toward getting a better job or relationship, then not do anything to change your current situation? Are you truly reliable? The reason our words and actions don’t match is typically because:

• We really don’t want what we say or think we want (and sometimes just don’t quite know it or want to admit it)
• We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings
• We don’t want to look bad

SOLUTION: Take a look at the areas in your life where you ARE reliable. What helps you keep your word? Then take a look at the areas in your life where you ARE NOT reliable. If you don’t want what you got, admit it, then make a plan to accept it or change it. If you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, realize that it hurts more and is more confusing when you aren’t reliable, as most people internalize that as something they did (or didn’t) do. If you don’t want to look bad, remember that you have no control over how others view you. You have control over how you view yourself and how you treat others.

Truth is about being honest with ourselves. Are there areas in your life where you tell little white lies to yourself, like “this situation isn’t really THAT bad.” As painful or uncomfortable as it is, the truth can set you free. It allows you to take a look at the current reality for what it is. And that’s the first step toward change. Where we get stuck is by attaching judgment to the truth, saying to ourselves things like “I’m a bad person if I think this or want something different.” When faced with negative thoughts about ourselves, we put up defenses to protect ourselves, such as:

• Putting other people down (silently to ourselves or out loud)
• Denying and burying our uncomfortable feelings
• Pretending everything is okay

SOLUTION: Be honest with yourself about what you want and who you are. It may be uncomfortable at first, but remember it’s a starting point. Practice accepting your truth, being compassionate with yourself, and forgiving yourself for not being perfect.

Ability is about what we can do. It’s the skills, talents, and expertise we have acquired through education, training, and experience. It’s about what we can do physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And boy, can we do some serious damage in this area. Have you ever muttered the phrase, “I can’t.?” I’m not even going to wait for you to think about that one, because I KNOW you have. I have too. We’ve ALL said that (many times I’m sure). “I can’t” is often our default when:

• We don’t know how
• We’re afraid of making a mistake or not being perfect

SOLUTION: Know your abilities. Accept what you can do (and what you truly cannot). If you don’t know how to do something, figure it out. Ask someone. Take a class. Research it. Get help. If you’re afraid, breathe through it. Learn and practice strategies to help you manage your fear. Get the support you need.

Strength is about our capacity to do something. It’s about what we can handle, or rather…what we THINK we can handle. When things keep piling up, obstacles keep presenting themselves, and roadblocks keep appearing, what do you do? Do you keep moving toward your goal or do you give up? Strength is about continuing on in the face of adversity. It’s also about seeking whatever support you need along the way.

SOLUTION: Know that any change you make will be accompanied by tests. Tests to your abilities, tests to your faith, and tests to your perception of who you are. If you DON’T experience tests, you’re not on a path to change. Remember that strength comes from continuing to move forward, which involves feeling what you feel and asking for the help and support you need along the way.

Trust is really a series of actions, and not something outside of us. It’s about how we handle ourselves, our thoughts, our emotions, and our actions. Just as we’ve learned to NOT trust, so can we learn to trust. And trust starts with trusting ourselves. When we can learn to trust ourselves, knowing that we can be reliable and truthful, use our abilities (or acquire new ones), and be strong despite challenges, we can know that we have the power to choose what we will and won’t allow in our lives. It won’t matter as much what other people do, because we will trust ourselves to make the best decisions possible

Move forward…and trust yourself!

Photo by: Adrian Ruiz