The Best Way to Create Misunderstandings

Today I’m going to blow the lid off one of the most common thought distortions I see happening in the world today. It’s responsible for arguments, knock-down-drag-out fights, misunderstandings, break-ups, and I’m sure a whole slew of other things. Women use it. Men use it. Teenagers use it. It’s mind reading – believing others know what you’re thinking and should act accordingly, then getting upset when they don’t, or even thinking you know what someone else is thinking.

Unless you are a true mind reader (and I don’t know any), you simply have no clue what goes through someone else’s mind. Sure we might have a strong connection with someone, be able to finish their sentences, and be right most of the time on what they are thinking. But we typically don’t get into trouble in those circumstances, do we? It’s when we assume and we’re wrong that the real problem begins.

If you’re anything like me, you have conversations with yourself in your head all the time. It’s the mind chatter that goes on, your thoughts, judgments, inner critic or inner cheerleader. When we get so wrapped up in our own thoughts, we just get one perspective. And truth be told, our thoughts can be deceptive sometimes. Our mind serves to protect us and to look for evidence to support our beliefs. If we believe we’re being treated unfairly, our mind looks for evidence, and we undoubtedly will find it. Then our feelings follow and then our reaction to the situation. And it all happens very quickly.

When we engage in assuming we know what others think or that others know what we think, we fall into certain belief traps, such as:

• I think THIS, therefore everyone must think it too. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are all unique individuals with our own thoughts. While there are commonalities in how we think, no two people will have exactly the same thoughts all the time. To combat this assumption, remind yourself that everyone thinks differently.
• Others SHOULD KNOW HOW I THINK without me having to say it. Ahhhh, what a lovely idea. But a little naïve and romantic. Getting in the “should-ing” game is dangerous territory…a place of expecting everything is perfect, your needs always come first and always get met, and that you don’t have to work at it. It’s not realistic. To blow this assumption out of the water, tell yourself that in order to get your needs met, you need to clearly communicate them, which includes saying them out loud (not just in your head).
• If he/she knows what I think, they SHOULD DO WHAT I WANT. Another part of the “should-ing” family, this assumption underscores our desire to have control of how other people behave, feel, and think. When we assume others know what we think, there’s a common misconception that if they know they will act accordingly. But we do not have control over anything, except ourselves and how we think and act. To stave off this assumption, remember that everyone has a choice as to how they react and that you only have control over yourself.

The only way to truly know what someone else is thinking is to ask them. And the only way others will know what you are thinking is if you tell them. So get the conversation out of your head then out of your mouth.

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