Lessons from My Mother: The Legacy of Relationships

As my family and I prepared my mother’s memorial recently, the whole idea of legacy kept coming up. The legacy my mother left behind and the legacy my sister and I are creating and will pass on to the next generation.

My mother’s mantra in recent years was “be peace.” She signed off every email with it. She even had it on her license plate.  It colored her actions and her way of being in the world.

My mother strove for peace – in the world and within herself. As I have mentioned before, my mother was mentally ill. She battled depression among other things stemming from the loss of her own mother when she was 5 years old. While listening to her friends describe her and the work she has done to help others, I couldn’t help but wonder how hard it must have been for her.

While she touched many lives and had many acquaintances, she did not have many close, peaceful relationships. She didn’t allow herself to get deeply close to many people and it seems most people got a little piece of her, but not the whole her. Those who she allowed close to her (family and a handful of friends) experienced her very differently than those she kept at a distance. Her close relationships were often marked with turmoil and drama. Yet she longed for peace. The relationships at arm’s length got to see her as she longed to be – peaceful, compassionate, and dynamic.

Anyone whose life has been touched by mental illness can tell you it’s a long and winding road. My mother’s and my relationship was challenging in the last years of her life. In order to create the balance and peace I longed for, I had to maintain distance from her, yet I still wasn’t able to see her as she longed to be. The mother I knew struggled with intimacy. She was demanding, critical, and harsh in her quest for peace, expecting others to conform to her unrealistic expectations about how things should be.

As I mourn the loss of my mother (both the mother I had and the one I longed to have), I am struck by the similarities in our paths. My life’s work involves helping others, just as my mother’s did. And I too long for peace, both within myself and in the world around me. I am deeply saddened that I didn’t know the woman many of her friends knew.  However I feel my heart softening with time, realizing she did the best she could. And remembering how difficult it must have been for her to live such a duplicitous life.

My mother leaves behind an incredibly important legacy of peace. While she had difficulty realizing peace in many of her close relationships, she was an inspiration to many. I am proud to be a part of and share her legacy, and to carry it on in my own way.

Be Peace.

Laughing: The Best Medicine?

I dare you to watch this video and not laugh. I can’t do it. There’s just something about this man’s laughter that is pure and infectious. And did you know that laughter has a ton of healing benefits? It can help relieve stress and tension, lighten your mood, lift your spirits, connect you with others, etc. For more information about the healing benefits of laughter, please see “Laugh Your Way to Stress Relieve and Creativity.”

Laugh Your Way to Stress Relief and Creativity

“A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your step as you walk the tightrope of life.” ~William Arthur Ward

When is the last time you had a good laugh? I’m talking tears streaming down your cheeks, belly-aching, hold your breath kind of laughter. How did you feel after laughing like that?

Research has shown several benefits of laughter for both our physical and emotional health. Laughter helps us by:

• Providing a physical release of tension. Have you ever felt relieved, lighter, less stressed after a good laugh? That’s because your body automatically tenses and releases several muscles, from your abdominals, shoulders, etc. This tension and release allows our bodies to let go of physical tension, which can lead to a release of emotional tension as well. When we have less tension, we can be more creative because we are more receptive to the flow of creative energy.
• Distracting us from the seriousness we can get focused on when we’re feeling stressed. Have you noticed that when you are overwhelmed or stressed you get more serious? It’s hard to have fun and be creative when we’re worried. Laughter helps by providing some much needed levity and distraction from the seriousness of life we can get caught up in.
• Helping change our perspective. Have you ever been so angry that you did or said something that you later found rather funny? We all have. Allowing ourselves to see humor in unexpected places can help us realize that things are often not quite as serious as we make them out to be. We may also find some inspiration from those serious-turned-funny moments.
• Connecting us with others. Laughter can be contagious and create an instant bond between strangers, acquaintances, or friends. Studies show that the more connected we feel with others, the better able we are at dealing with stressful situations. And when we are more connected with others, it can help us work better and be more creative in getting stuff done.

So where do you find humor? Think of times in the past (situations, people, things) that have prompted a good laugh. Make a list because it’s easy to forget when you’re overwhelmed. Keep that list handy in times of stress as a reminder of what to do to lighten things up. Here’s some other ideas where you might find some laughter:

• T.V. and Movies: Laughter may be as close as your favorite sitcom or a DVD collecting dust on a shelf. You can also rent your favorite comedies from your local DVD rental place, through a rental mailing service, or online through your DVR service.
• Comedy Club: Find a local comedy club to take in the laughs of local or touring professional comedians. If there isn’t one near you, you might try community theaters, colleges, or universities, which sometimes showcase comedy productions.
• Friends: Spend time with friends you can be silly with. You may find humor reliving memories from the past or make new memories by playing board games, DVD games, charades, or making up your own. Good friends can also help point out the humor in your life where you may have a tough time seeing it.
• Photos: Take a stroll down memory lane by looking through old photo albums or scrapbooks. You may be reminded of a funny thing or two.
• Comic Strips: Peruse the Sunday paper to find humor in the “funny” section. You can even clip out your favorites and hang them where you can see them regularly to remind you to find the humor.
• Jokes: Go to the library or bookstore and start reading through the joke books.
• To see the power of laughter in action, watch the video “Bodhisattva in metro” at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKnY8tBLG3g

I encourage you to use laughter as a way to not only let go of the seriousness of life and relieve stress, but also to get more creative. Having fun is a great way to tap into creativity, and ultimately to the healing power you have within yourself.

I’d love to hear what you found funny (and inspiring). Leave a comment below.

Photo: Laughing at Dean © by wickenden

Words (and Actions) to Live By

Do words like commitment and honesty characterize who you are? Are your actions consistent with these beliefs? It takes great courage to live by our beliefs and stand up in the face of challenges. Enjoy this little movie – a little reminder of how important not only our words are, but living life by walking our talk.

Watch Your Language: How Words Shape Your Reality

When I work with clients, I often talk about how important our language is. The words we use give a glimpse into how we think. After listening to just a few sentences, I can tell you how you typically think about yourself and the world in general.

You may notice, as I do, that the words you use shift when you are feeling more stressed or overwhelmed. I know I can catch myself using “bad” words such as “can’t,” “should,” and “shouldn’t.” When I hear those words coming out of my mouth, I know I’m feeling anxious and my thoughts have shifted from positive to negative. How do I know? Because I have learned over the years to gauge not only the words I use, but other things as well that are all connected – like my thoughts, my body senstions, how I’m feeling, and the actions I take (and don’t take).

If I notice a bad word coming out of my mouth, I can follow it to my thoughts, (which might be focused on how unfair something is), which is connected to a physical sensation (such as a tightening in my stomach or lump in my throat), which is connected to how I’m feeling (perhaps frustrated), which is all tied into my actions (such as throwing my hands in the air or confronting someone head on). Awareness of how one small thing affects the bigger things is key to unlocking your own ability to change, make things (make life) better.

Here’s your challenge:

1. Write down your “bad” words. These are words that keep you stuck in stress, overwhelm, fear, worry, and all the stuff you don’t want to feel. You may notice a reaction when someone else says these words.
2. Ask someone you trust to keep track of how many times you say these words during a normal conversation. The idea here is for them to just keep track, not to tell you. You want to find out how much you really are using the words. You probably don’t realize how much you use “bad” words.
3. Then ask that same someone you trust to give you some sort of visual signal (such as a thumbs up or down) each time they hear you use the word. This gets you aware of when you are using “bad” words, so you can start to take notice of the circumstances, and also how you feel as you say these words, what you are doing, etc. The idea here is to start to form a connection between what you say, how  you feel, and what you do.
4. Next, as your trustworthy person continues to signal you, it’s time to make a different choice. Instead of saying “I can’t get my work done” change it to “I choose not to get my work done” or “I won’t get my work done until I (insert positive coping skill here).” That sure puts a different spin on things, doesn’t it?

You will notice quickly how just shifting the words you allow to come out of your mouth will start to affect other things – like your thoughts, body sensations, feelings, and actions.

For more tips on how to make small changes that make a big POSITIVE difference, please join me for my next monthly FREE Telseminar, “Suffering is Optional: Your Mindset Creates Your Reality.” Simply go to the REGISTRATION page at https://krylyn.com/free-teleseminars/suffering-is-optional, and enter your name and email to get signed up. Even if you can’t attend the live call, you will get access to the recording of the call, but only if you register.

Photo: Speak NO Evil © by Esparta

Life Interrupted: What To Do When Things Don’t Go As Planned

If you want to make God laugh, make plans. I don’t know when I first heard that or who said it, but I sure do agree with it these days. It’s hard to remember the last time I had a day go even close to what I had planned. And believe me, I am a planner.

From to-do lists, to calendars, action plans, marketing plans, business plans, project plans…I love my lists. Give me a goal, and I can break it down for you step by step with tasks and deadlines. In fact, I can remember doing that in high school, scheduling my life in 15 minute increments in my day planner. I remember my sophomore English teacher being quite impressed by it. And it was fairly easy to manage when all I had on my plate was high school, a part-time retail job, and my family.

But somewhere along the way, life got a bit more complicated. Enter college, a full-time job, and part-time jobs on top of it, boyfriends, graduation, more jobs, a marriage, a baby, a divorce, graduate school, re-careering, etc. The lists got longer and the days got shorter.

What I’ve learned is that while planning may be an important (and helpful) part of life, there must also be space for other things that come up. Because there’s no way to plan for everything, every situation, every scenario. Once I started to adopt this new way of thinking, I realized it wasn’t the planning that had helped me all along as much as it was the feeling of being in control and prepared.

How to be in Control…First I must say that control is an illusion. We want control when we think we don’t have it. And the thought of being out of control can drive otherwise rational, sane people over the edge. Control is really about having our expectations met. It’s a nice thing, but not always going to happen. The only thing we really have control over is ourselves – our thoughts and behaviors. Most of the time, it seems to me that people who talk about control are upset because people around them aren’t meeting their expectations. That’s not a fun situation, but it happens…all the time. The more we can realize and accept that we cannot control others (whether our kids, spouses, partners, friends, bosses, etc.), and that we can only control ourselves, the easier things seem to get.

How to be Prepared…Being prepared is an entirely different animal. It is possible to be prepared for any situation that comes your way. How, you ask? By trusting yourself. Trust that you can handle whatever life throws at you. Trust that you will make the best decision you can with what resources you have at your disposal. Trust that you (or someone you know) can help you find answers and solutions. And trust that everything will be okay, regardless of how it turns out.

I planned to get some work done yesterday, but instead was faced with an intense family situation that stirred up a lot of emotions. I rearranged my planned schedule. I trusted myself to know what was best for me. I allowed myself space and time to feel, vent, breathe, and then get a bare minimum of work done.

Remember life happens in spite of your plans. How will you handle the next interruption?

Photo: Stop Hammertime © by Rich Anderson