Getting What You Want by Focusing on What You Got

What we focus on expands.

Is it a big surprise that when we focus on what we DON’T have and what we DON’T want, we get MORE OF IT?

Ever notice that phenomenon?

I sure have.

It’s like our brains are programmed to point out what’s wrong, rather than what’s right.

But if we want to stop the cycle, we’ve got to make a change. And the easiest place to start is by being grateful for what we already have.

We must learn to embrace what is in order to make room for what will be.

In November, I always love to focus on gratitude. It is the month of Thanksgiving here in the U.S. And it’s my favorite holiday of them all. It allows the act of being grateful and having a positive attitude to be socially acceptable.

I know that may sound a little strange. But have you ever noticed how much negativity there is out there? All you have to do is turn on the news, scroll through a list of what’s trending in social media, or listen to someone within ear shot to get a bunch of fear, complaining, whining, and negativity filling your senses. It’s a wonder anyone can be positive at all.

And all that is contagious. Once you hear one person start throwing around negative comments, another starts up.

The good news is that positivity can also be contagious. You just have to choose what you want to catch.

It’s important to show gratitude for what we have, right now, in this moment. Because if we can’t do that, how will we ever be grateful of what we say we want? There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Here’s a quick list to get you started:

• Waking up this morning
• Loved ones
• A roof over my head
• Some money in my pocket
• The ability to be able to read this (especially if one a device I own and/or through a service that is already paid for)
• Clothes on my back

Sure these are obvious. But sometimes we need that as a kick start to take a deeper look at what we can show gratitude for. We’ve all got things in our lives we don’t like or that have provided tremendous difficulties, but it takes a special kind of filter to be able to see the good in everything. With a little tweaking, we can turn seemingly devastating circumstances into lessons learned.

Some challenges I’ve been grateful for that have helped shift my perspective:

• My son being diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (which led to us finding a much better school for him and ways to help him be successful)
• My near bankruptcy (which led to me looking for creative ways to support myself and my son and resulted in me getting a very good-paying job that helped me put myself through graduate school)
• My mom’s death (which led to me being able to make peace with her and accept her for who she was)

Life is not going to stop throwing things your way. It’s up to you to be able to catch what’s thrown and spin it in a way that provides meaning. The more you can learn to be grateful for what is there right now, the more space you’re going to open up for more blessings to come your way.

So, what are you grateful for?

Photo by: hurricanemaine

Get Clear: Letting Go of Physical Stuff Can Improve Everything!

It never ceases to amaze me the powerful effect stuff has on us. Lately I’ve been going through a major de-cluttering as I get my home ready to sell. I’ve lived here for 12 years (having only wanted to be here 3), and am finding out part of why I’ve avoided leaving.

As I go through papers, piles, boxes, and closets, I’m finding stuff that no longer works, stuff that is no longer useful , stuff I’ve wondered what to do with, and stuff I’ve avoided dealing with. I’m realizing the emotional toll not letting go of stuff has had on me. And in that letting go have released a ton of emotions.

It is inevitable that our outer environment affects our inner environment. I’ve said this for years and experienced it firsthand more times than I can count. In other words, the physical stuff around us affects how we think, feel, and act. It affects our relationships, our ability to make decisions, our progress (or lack thereof).

When we hold onto physical stuff it also sends a message to the universe that we don’t have room for other stuff. It can be an energy-blocker, affecting our ability to draw in new good things into our lives.

So I ask you to take a look around your environment and just notice. Notice the stuff around you. Does it all serve a purpose? Does it keep you stuck? Does it bring up good feelings or not so good ones? Does it occupy your thoughts and your actions? The first step is always awareness.

If you don’t feel a strong negative impact of your stuff, then bravo! You’re in a good place. But if you are feeling less than stellar about the stuff around you, take some time to tackle it. Here’s some tips:

• Explore what kind of environment you want. It’s easy to say “I don’t want this” but in order to make positive, long-lasting change, you must get in touch with what you do want. How do you want to feel in your environment? What do you want to accomplish there?
• Make a plan of action. It doesn’t have to be all at once, but start taking small steps to clearing out your space. And remember, it didn’t take overnight to get it this way, which means it won’t be an overnight fix to get it where you want it.
• Do one thing at a time. Set aside a certain time block each day, starting with a small 5 to 15 minutes, and just do one thing at a time.

Once you start seeing results, it’s inevitable the good feelings will kick in and you’ll want more of that. Keep going…and remember to be gentle with yourself in the process.

Tying Up Loose Ends: The Road to Integrity

What is left undone in your life RIGHT NOW? It could be anything from laundry, to filing, to cleaning, to home improvement projects, to implementing new marketing strategies in your business, to networking, to paperwork, to responding to emails, to having “the talk” with a significant other, to unrealized health goals, to a whole slew of other things.

If you’re anything like me, the list of things undone is LONG…longer than you’d care to admit.

And that list of things, the one that’s always in the back of your mind no matter how hard you try to ignore it, is getting in the way. Getting in the way of what, you may ask.

The undone stuff affects how you feel, what you think, what you do. It affects your relationships, with yourself and others. It affects your ability (and desire) to do stuff now and in the future. It’s something that hangs over you, whether you realize it or not. It can rob you of your energy, time, money, patience, and sanity!

Don’t believe me? Ask yourself some questions:

• How do you FEEL when you see (or remember) the undone things? Do you get a sense of overwhelm, dread, panic, or apathy? Do you want to run away or just ignore it?
• What do you THINK when you see (or remember) the undone things? Do you get bombarded with thoughts of “should” and “why can’t I just do it?” Or does your mind start attacking your character (“there must be something wrong with me!”).

One of the Four Agreements outlined by Don Miguel Ruiz is:

Be Impeccable with your Word

While the definition he gives talks about what we say, it also refers to what we do (or don’t do). It’s really just about integrity, which is to keep our word and do what we say we’re going to do.

When we leave things undone, it’s like breaking promises – to ourselves and to others. And that never feels good. It’s out of alignment with who we really are and how we intend to be. It’s no wonder our feelings and thoughts are negative around it; however the way out of feeling bad isn’t to make ourselves feel worse. The way out of just about every problem we could ever have is (drumroll)…

ACTION

And not just any action. Because what we’re already doing isn’t working, right? It must be something different than what we’re doing.

Simple, right? Well if it were, we wouldn’t have a problem and all these things left undone.

Here’s some tips to help get you on your way to doing the undone stuff:

1. Take a stand. Spend some time thinking about what it is you stand for. What are your priorities, your goals? What’s important to you? Everything in your life should support what you stand for. If not, time to let it go.
2. Stop saying YES to taking on more stuff (physical, mental, emotional) that isn’t aligned with your priorities.
3. Do one thing at a time. Start tackling the undone stuff in bite-sized chunks. Taking on too much can leave you more frustrated. Make a plan of action, set aside time on your calendar, and just start doing it. Feel more energized in the morning? Then schedule a block of time in the morning to get started. Once you finish the one thing, move on to the next.
4. Celebrate the stuff you do (rather than agonize over the things you don’t). Give yourself a pat on the back, some verbal praise, or a little treat to mark the occasion of finishing something.
5. Rinse and repeat!

Remember the road to stuff undone isn’t a linear, one-time detour. It’s part of the journey. So the path to getting stuff done will be the same way. If you stray, don’t fret. Remind yourself of all the rewards of getting stuff done, take a breather, and get back to it!

Photo by: woodleywonderworks

Every Life Matters: Remembering Robin

I am deeply saddened by the news of Robin Williams’ passing. And I see it has brought about so much discussion of suicide. Let us remember the legacy he left. The laughter, the tears, the reminders of what there is to live for. And how each of our lives matters in such an amazing way, even if we can’t see it right at this moment.

As someone who has been both personally and professionally affected by suicide, I’d like to take a moment to get on a soap box…

Suicide does not discriminate. It touches the lives of people from all walks of life, all socioeconomic statuses, all races, creeds, colors, sexual orientations, educational backgrounds, professions, and beliefs.

No one is immune.

Yes, there are warning signs, risk factors, and protective factors. Yes, there are things we can all do to help. It is often a cry for help, but sometimes that cry is so intense, there is nothing that can be done. Even those with all the resources in the world, all the support, all the fame, riches, and perceived perfectness can shut it all out and be left in a hole so deep, so profound, that they only see one way out.

To those who have been in that hole, know that there is a way out. There is ALWAYS a way out, even if you can’t see it or feel it deep in your bones. Sometimes it is just the slightest word, sign, or reminder. But know this…your life matters!

To those who have cared about someone in that hole, you are not at fault. You didn’t cause someone to attempt or complete suicide. Although you are left with the scars and the whys, know that you cannot be blamed for someone else’s actions. Forgive yourself and move on. Your life matters too.

To learn more about the risk factors, warning signs, and how you can help someone contemplating suicide, please watch this video of my original song “Help Me.”

Where to Find Help for Suicide:

• 911 if you or someone else is in immediate danger
• 1-800-273-TALK (8255) 24 hours a day to talk to a specialist at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
• A community mental health agency
• A private therapist or counselor
• A school counselor or psychologist
• A family physician
• A suicide prevention or crisis center

Additional Resources:

• American Association of Suicidology: www.suicidology.org
• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: www.afsp.org
• National institute of Mental Health: www.nimh.nih.gov
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

3 Tips to Surviving Under Pressure

Have you ever been in the middle of something big? A huge transformation, project, or undertaking? And in the midst of it, so many challenges arise that you think you’re about to explode or end up in the corner in fetal position?

I’ve certainly been there. In fact I’m there RIGHT NOW.

What I’ve noticed is that every challenge gives me an opportunity. A window of smaller transformation within the bigger transformation. Let me explain…

We’ve all got issues. Some of us deal with insecurities based on how we were raised, or situations we’ve experienced, or that inner critical voice that’s never satisfied. And those issues surface in one form or another every time something doesn’t go as expected. We may question ourselves, our confidence, our worth, our ability, our strength, our capacity to manage all the unexpected turmoils that come our way.

For me, the big struggle is with being visible and not wanting to disappoint others. I was taught to be in the shadows and not make waves. And that certainly helped me survive a not so ideal childhood. But for someone called to a greater purpose of helping others find their voice and not let their past define their future, it isn’t an effective strategy. In fact, it’s pretty much the opposite of an effective strategy.

I’ve learned more effective strategies over the years. But sometimes, old patterns resurface, especially in times of great change. Recently, I’ve noticed that as I’m stepping into my greatness in a bigger way, the challenges I face can bring up that survival instinct, which beckons me to shrink, hide, defend myself, make excuses, and listen to others dictate what I should or shouldn’t do. Sound familiar?

So what I find most helpful during these times is to remind myself:

• What my why is.
• How I want to show up in the world.
• What works (and doesn’t work) to calm and center myself during difficult times.

Here’s some tips on how you can put these strategies in place:

1. Write down WHY you are doing what you’re doing. It’s easy to get caught up in WHAT we are doing when working toward a goal or moving through a change or transition. But the WHAT are the details and that’s where we can get overwhelmed and stuck. Focusing on and remind ourselves of the WHY can help us keep our “eyes on the prize” and connected to the motivation of why we are doing our what. Post your written WHY where you can see it often. (Mine is next to my computer).
2. Think about how you want to BE. If you’re drawing a blank, it might be easier to think of how you DON’T want to be. When I’m going through a challenge, I don’t want to be stressed, irritable, impatient, unorganized, or too much in my head (with thoughts spinning out of control). What I do want to be is calm, grateful, forgiving, open, and centered.
3. Identify and SCHEDULE things you can DO to create how you want to be. For example, if I want to be calm, I need to follow it with action. Being calm in the midst of chaos isn’t a default for me. I’ve had to work at it, and I know what makes things better (or worse) when life seems to be crashing down around me. I know that breathing, using my lavender spray, resting, taking breaks, drinking water, getting fresh air, etc. help me tremendously. They may not solve the issue at hand, but they allow me to be more centered and able to handle what’s going on. Write down what works for you and keep it close. If you’re like me, you tend to forget what works when life gets harry. Make it easy on yourself by having a list handy when you know you might need it.

Remember that life has its ups and downs. You have no control over what happens around you. But you do have control over how you handle it. Often the biggest lessons are not in the actual event or situation we’re faced with, but in how we can get through it with our sanity intact.

Photo by: Tom Martin

Don’t Die with the Music Still in You

Dr. Wayne Dyer, one of my favorite authors and spiritual teachers, has used this saying for years: Don’t Die with the Music Still in You. I’m not sure who it is originally credited to. But what a beautiful and inspiring statement it is. And it recently ran across my email inbox, prompting me to write an article about it.

As you may (or may not) know, I have been surrounded by loss this year. First, my mom passed away in March, then my son left for college across the country in May, then one of my cats passed away recently (in mid October). As you might imagine, the themes of death and loss are swirling around in my head and heart.

Loss can do some funny things. It can make us take stock of where we are in our lives, what we have, what relationships we’re in, what we do for money, etc. Loss can help us make changes in our lives that we’ve been putting off, like finally getting to items on that bucket (or wish) list. We might adopt an attitude of “life is too short to…,” then make decisions to move us in different directions in one or more areas of life.

Or loss can keep us stuck. Stuck in fear that something else bad might happen or stuck in memories and what-if’s. We might lament our loss and replay things over and over in our minds. We might be stuck on auto-pilot because we’re just too steeped in sadness, or grief, or guilt, or anger, or a mixture of complicated emotions.

Luckily, I have a tremendous support system of family, friends, and professionals who are there for me, providing strength, words of wisdom, shoulders to cry on, empathic ears, and little nudges forward. I have shared my life goals (both personal and professional) with so many people who offer true support that it is very difficult for me to stay stuck. HALLELULIA! I have people who want me to share my music.

While the saying “Don’t Die with the Music Still in You” is quite appropriate for me since I am a singer/songwriter and actually write music, the point of this saying is to share who you really are with the world while you still can. We all have something inside begging to get out. It is our passion, what lights us up inside (and out), our unique gifts and talents, or a message for the world. So often we are afraid to share that special side of ourselves. Sometimes it takes a major shift, like looking death or loss square in the face, to get us to the point of being ready to take the leap. Sometimes it is something less traumatic that happens. Either way, it just takes some courage and motivation to share yourself with the world and to not die with your music still inside you.

Here’s some tips on how you can unleash your special passion:

1. Get clear on what truly lights you up. It’s different for everyone. Think about what puts a smile on your face and gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling.
2. Share your passion with another person. It’s easy to declare a passion silently to yourself. You’ve probably done that already. But where has it gotten you. Letting someone else know about your passion sets the wheels in motion of accountability. Now you have someone else keeping an eye on your passion who can support you in unleashing it.
3. Vow to add more time and space (and whatever other resources you might need) to allow that passion to move more front and center. You can start small. Block out 15 minutes a week on your schedule to devote to your passion and see what happens. Notice any shifts in how you think and how you feel as you start focusing more on your passion.

So what is the “music” that is still in you? I’d love to hear what your passion is and how you plan to unleash it. Leave a comment below.

Photo: Freedom #2 © by hang_in_there