Farewell, my Furry, Fluffy Feline…

I have just weathered my third significant loss of 2012…the death of my beloved feline, Hoover, who (along with his twin brother Boomer) has been a part of my family for just over 10 years. While I didn’t intend for this blog to turn into things all about grief, it is about self care, my own journey included. And my journey this year has been winding, painful, glorious, sad, and blessed all at the same time.

After a very short week and a half of diagnostics, medications that didn’t work, and rapid decline, I made the painful decision to help my fluffy boy end his suffering. I found a vet who performs in-home euthanasia. With soft, soothing music in the background and candles lit, Hoover drifted into a peaceful, eternal sleep in my arms. This picture was taken just hours before he passed – him laying in one of his favorite spots on the couch, near the front door, enjoying a cool breeze and the sound of birds chirping.

I am so grateful for the outpouring of support from my friends and family. Here is a poem I wrote in response to one of the most common things people say to you after a loss (“let me know what I can do”). I know I’ve said it to others before, but this year, this challenging year of three losses, I have heard this so much and been on the other side of it. As usual, life looks different on the other side.

world turned upside down
©2012 krylyn

there is nothing i can think of
as my world is turned upside down
thoughts are fuzzy
head in a daze
walking around aimlessly
searching, waiting, hoping
then remembering
my world is turned upside down

i forget basics
like breathing, eating, and drinking
then something reminds me
and i come back from wherever i was
thinking of memories
or painful decisions
or how i am going to go on with this
intense sadness
my world is turned upside down

so you ask me to let you know
if there’s anything i need
and there is nothing i can think of
because my thoughts are fuzzy
and i cannot even remember to breathe
all i can do is grieve
my world is turned upside down

Lessons from My Mother: The Legacy of Relationships

As my family and I prepared my mother’s memorial recently, the whole idea of legacy kept coming up. The legacy my mother left behind and the legacy my sister and I are creating and will pass on to the next generation.

My mother’s mantra in recent years was “be peace.” She signed off every email with it. She even had it on her license plate.  It colored her actions and her way of being in the world.

My mother strove for peace – in the world and within herself. As I have mentioned before, my mother was mentally ill. She battled depression among other things stemming from the loss of her own mother when she was 5 years old. While listening to her friends describe her and the work she has done to help others, I couldn’t help but wonder how hard it must have been for her.

While she touched many lives and had many acquaintances, she did not have many close, peaceful relationships. She didn’t allow herself to get deeply close to many people and it seems most people got a little piece of her, but not the whole her. Those who she allowed close to her (family and a handful of friends) experienced her very differently than those she kept at a distance. Her close relationships were often marked with turmoil and drama. Yet she longed for peace. The relationships at arm’s length got to see her as she longed to be – peaceful, compassionate, and dynamic.

Anyone whose life has been touched by mental illness can tell you it’s a long and winding road. My mother’s and my relationship was challenging in the last years of her life. In order to create the balance and peace I longed for, I had to maintain distance from her, yet I still wasn’t able to see her as she longed to be. The mother I knew struggled with intimacy. She was demanding, critical, and harsh in her quest for peace, expecting others to conform to her unrealistic expectations about how things should be.

As I mourn the loss of my mother (both the mother I had and the one I longed to have), I am struck by the similarities in our paths. My life’s work involves helping others, just as my mother’s did. And I too long for peace, both within myself and in the world around me. I am deeply saddened that I didn’t know the woman many of her friends knew.  However I feel my heart softening with time, realizing she did the best she could. And remembering how difficult it must have been for her to live such a duplicitous life.

My mother leaves behind an incredibly important legacy of peace. While she had difficulty realizing peace in many of her close relationships, she was an inspiration to many. I am proud to be a part of and share her legacy, and to carry it on in my own way.

Be Peace.

Finding the Growth in Struggle

“It is okay to be at a place of struggle. Struggle is just another word for growth. Even the most evolved beings find themselves in a place of struggle now and then. In fact, struggle is a sure sign to them that they are expanding; it is their indication of real and important progress. The only one who doesn’t struggle is the one who doesn’t grow. So if you are struggling right now, see it as a terrific sign — and celebrate your struggle.” ~Neale Donald Walsch

There is beauty in struggle.

Now, before you tune me out, start building evidence to the contrary, or yell at your computer screen, take a breath and read on. Please.

I don’t know anyone who has not encountered struggle, hardship, adversity, or whatever you want to call it when things don’t work out as you planned or hoped. I do, however, know plenty of people who let that struggle define them, their identity, their actions, and how they carry themselves in the world. I also know people who have overcome their struggle in such a way that they use it as a springboard to a higher level and to help others get through their own struggles.

I have been in both these groups at various times in my life. And I’m guessing you have too.

The first group can be a place of being stuck, defined by circumstances, negative, drained, having difficulty making decisions, etc. It is a place we ask the question WHY and expect answers that make sense. Why did this happen, why me, why can’t I get over this. The more we focus on why, the more it eludes us and the more the answers don’t make sense. We question ourselves, others, our faith. It can be a scary place.

In my experience as a member of the second group, the group that overcomes, we can go through all the same things as the first group, but then something happens. A shift. An experience. A glimmer. Something that propels us forward out of stuckness. I think that something is as simple as a decision. A decision to be defined on our own terms, not the circumstances we don’t have control over. A decision to look at the situation with a different perspective, such as what we can learn from the experience and teach others from it. A decision to grow.

Keep in mind that staying stuck is also a decision. And sometimes, a good decision at the time. Sometimes we need a break from overwhelming experiences and feelings to be able to feel the ground beneath us again. It’s okay. For a while. It’s when we repeatedly use the struggle as an excuse to stay stuck (or not move forward) that it can really take a toll on us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

So, which group are you in today? How about yesterday? And what group will you be in tomorrow or in five minutes? Here’s some things to help you shift from struggle to growth:

1. Ask someone else what they think of your situation. Sometimes we are too close to our struggle to see the beauty in it. Ask someone you trust what they think the lessons are in it.
2. Journal about it. When my thoughts are jumbled and scattered, journaling helps me just get it all out. Just start writing, paying no attention to spelling, grammar, or sparing anyone’s feelings. Don’t censor yourself.
3. Make a list of all the lessons you’ve learned from a past struggle. See if any of those apply to your current struggle.
4. Do something different than what you are doing in your stuckness. If you’re sitting, stand up. If you’re thinking too much, do something to take your mind off your thoughts. Do something physical – take a walk, do yoga, ride a bike, etc.
5. Do something you love to do. A hobby, an activity, something that brings you joy. For me, this is usually something to do with music – writing a song, improvisational singing in the car as I’m running errands or driving to an appointment, or listening to some music that transports me to a different state of consciousness.

The more you look for the good to come out of something, the more you will see it. Just like any other skill, it just takes some practice. So what beauty will you find today?

Photo: Tree Trunk © by Accretion Disc

Loving What Is Even in the Face of Crisis

Crisis can bring people together into a sole purpose. It can blur the lines of unforgiveness and shift your perspective so dramatically that your “never” turns into “maybe” and your “always” becomes “not anymore.” It can be gut-wrenching, surreal, and unfair as hell. And it can be a wake-up call or a thing to endure and leave behind. At the least, it can challenge you in ways you never imagined.

I tend to get emotional with personal crisis, taking time out to feel my feelings, no matter how painful they may be. However, I have learned over the years (and yes, it does take practice) to bounce quickly and often from a position of pity and “poor me” to one of action and “where do I go from here?” Each moment offers this opportunity, even if we don’t recognize it.

While you may not be going through a personal crisis, you may find yourself at a crossroads, a choice point, a place of needing to decide between two paths. I suggest you first get quiet and sit with yourself, not in that “should I do this or that” place, but in a place of loving what is, which may be confusion, pain, or indecision. Not knowing is at least knowing that you don’t know, which is an important first step in many journeys.

Here’s some other ideas you might try:

1. When you feel a strong emotion (sadness or fear, for example), surrender to the emotion by breathing it completely in. Feel your body’s reaction to the emotion. Allow it to come. And know that it will pass.
2. When you start to feel fear creeping in, stop and say to yourself, “I love the part of me that is afraid to…(I doubt you will have difficulty filling in the blanks)” It’s easy to feel fear but accepting it can be another story. Try it and see what happens.
3. Look for the lesson (or lessons) you can learn from your situation. While whatever has happened may not seem fair or bearable, look at it from different angle to see what good can come of it.

We all go through times of tragedy in our lives. The more we can learn to accept that it will come, the more we will be able to move through it when it does.

Photo: Yin Yang – Symbol © by DonkeyHotey

How to Celebrate Mother’s Day When You Don’t Have a Mother

Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate and honor mothers. Thank them for what they have done – the support they have given and the unconditional love they have offered. But what do you do if you don’t have a mother?

We all have different circumstances. Some of us don’t identify as having a mother for any number of reasons:

• We were adopted or raised by someone other than our biological mother.
• Our mother is mentally ill, addicted to alcohol or drugs, or cognitively impaired in some way.
• Our mother is deceased.
• Our mother was less the idealized version of the mother portrayed in advertisements designed to commercialize the holiday and sell stuff and more like someone you must keep at arm’s length to have any sense of sanity and inner peace.

Whatever the reason, if you don’t identify as having a mother figure in your life, Mother’s Day can be a challenge. It can bring up the pain of not having the mother you wanted and deserved, or bring up memories of a mother who is no longer here.

Just like with any holiday, you have a choice of how you will celebrate. While popular culture would have you believing Mother’s Day is about buying flowers and other gifts for someone you should be indebted to, the real idea behind the holiday is about appreciation for someone who has provided unconditional love and/or support. Despite popular belief, mothers don’t have a monopoly on that job.

Think about the people in your life (past or present) who have:

• Provided words of wisdom and encouragement
• Lended an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on
• Accepted you for who you are without judgment
• Been your biggest fan and cheerleader
• Held you up when you were too weak to stand on your own

This Mother’s Day, think of the people who have really been there for you. That list may or may not include your actual mother. Whether it does or not, take the time to thank and honor these people in your own special way. You don’t have to have a mother to be grateful for unconditional love and support.

Photo: Bouquet Bokeh © by John-Morgan

Self Care Tips for the Grief-Stricken

It’s been just over two weeks since my mom passed away. I’ve been inundated with emails and phone calls from friends, family, colleagues, and other people in my “tribe.” They’ve sent a lot of well-wishes, prayers, good thoughts, and tons of questions and suggestions, such as “how can I help” and “call me if you need anything.”

As someone who has an easy time reaching out to others in need but difficulty reaching out when I’m in need, I find it challenging to identify anything anyone could possibly do for me right now. “How can I help” is such a vague, esoteric question, one I just don’t know how to answer, or answer with anything anyone could feasibly do…such as take away these intense, mixed emotions I’m having.

People mean well but they just don’t know what to say. Because there really is nothing to say, other than I’m sorry this happened. Besides, what I’m finding out is that my loss reminds people of their losses and of what they have to lose. We don’t like to be reminded of such things, because it brings up those intense, mixed emotions. I’ve listened to more people talk about their own grief in the last couple weeks than I have in quite a while. Normally, I don’t mind, but it’s really hard to be a shoulder to cry on when mine is already weakened and wet with my own tears.

But I have found some things that have really helped me so far in these early stages of my grieving process. And I’d like to share them in hopes they might help someone else through their grief:

• Feel your feelings. Let me be clear…grief sucks. Every possible emotion a human could have comes during grief…often at the same time. It’s sometimes been difficult to identify what I’m feeling because it changes so quickly. Fear, sadness, relief, anger, resentment, shock, apathy, anxiety, etc. I’ve been referring to my emotions as waves, because they creep up on me, intensify, then subside. It reminds me of a wave…you can see it coming, then you’re in it, then it goes away. It’s so important to let this process happen naturally. Don’t fight it. Don’t ignore it. Just be with it.
• Nourish your body. It’s easy to be so preoccupied with your grief that you forget to eat or drink. But your body needs nourishment, and even moreso as you grieve. I’m not going to rant about healthy eating, because I certainly took some time off to indulge in some comfort foods. But I am going to emphasize the importance of keeping yourself fed and full of liquids.
• Get outside. It’s easy to hibernate when you don’t feel good. You don’t want to deal with the outside world – with people. And that’s okay. But do get some fresh air. Being outside in nature is a great way to connect with other living things, and connecting with other living things is very important as you grieve the loss of a loved one.

Here’s some other quick tips on how to manage your grief:

• Sleep when you’re tired
• Eat when you’re hungry
• Talk when you want to
• Cry when you need to
• Slowly get back to your own routines
• Take more frequent breaks throughout the day
• Forgive yourself for dirty dishes, dirty clothes, and a messy desk
• Love yourself
• Use natural remedies, such as Bach’s Star of Bethlehem
• Take walks alone or with friends or family
• Give yourself permission to take breaks from your grief

Got any other suggestions on how to manage grief? I’d love to hear them. Please leave a comment below.

Photo: Grief Weeping with History (Washington, DC) © by takomabibelot