F@#&: The Four-Letter Word That Never Offends Me

I love it when my friends, colleagues, and clients catch themselves around me. They start saying things like “I’m not afraid, but…” as they launch into stories about how they’re getting in their own damn way.

When you’re known as “The Fear Whisperer,” the word “fear” (and all words associated with it) becomes a minefield, as people try avoiding using that f-bomb around me. It’s like I’ll make them put a penny in the swear jar or something.

The thing is, you don’t have to use the F word for me to pick up on the fact that you have fear.

I’ve got some highly-developed fear-finding ninja skills. And I know that fear has a way of shape-shifting and looking like, sounding like, smelling like, and feeling like other things.

But here’s the dealio…

If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, and looks like a duck…it’s an f-ing duck.

There are only two things that get in your way, and fear is one of them. But fear also looks, acts, sounds, and shows up as other things:

• Lack of clarity
• Overwhelm
• Distractions
• Procrastination
• Indecision
• Apathy
• Excuses
• Spinning your wheels
• Confusion

Now tell me you can’t identify with at least ONE of those stealth f-bombs. You can. I know you can. Because I can too. I’ve been there and done that so many times it would make your head spin.

But you know what?

The more fear you experience, the better!

Oh no she di’int!

Yes, I did say that. Out LOUD. IN PRINT. And for the whole world to hear.

Fear is NOT the enemy.

And the more we try to cover it up, avoid it, distract ourselves from it, and convince ourselves and others that we’re “fine” or “okay,” the more it comes to bite us in the a@@! I absolutely know you know what I’m talking about.

When you confront your fear and move through (instead of around, under, over, and away from) it, you are saying YES. Yes to yourself. Yes to your dreams. Yes to life and your soul’s calling and your GREATness.

The world needs more people saying YES like that.

And the more opportunities you have to say YES (i.e. the more fear you experience), the better.

So, no I do NOT get offended when people drop the f-bomb around me. I get offended when they don’t.

Let’s talk about fear and get it out in the open. Are you ready? Schedule a chat with me.

 

Life on The Edge: What Leaning Over a Mountain Taught Me About My Comfort Zone

When I was going through my divorce several years ago, I stumbled upon a personal development seminar that helped me so much, I ended up signing up for personal coaching and a retreat as well. I also met some amazing people along the way from all over the world, and got to travel to Las Vegas and northern California.

Looking back on that time in my life, I can say it was one of the hardest and most fulfilling. Change and growth are never the smooth, easy path. Rather, you are forced to come face to face with your demons, your past, and the truth, which isn’t always pretty.

As I work with clients through major changes in their lives and businesses, I often talk about the comfort zone. We live inside the box of our comfort zone, and my job as a coach (and “The Fear Whisperer”) is to help people find the edges of their comfort zone and push past them. I talk about how that can look one of two ways – either taking small steps to gain success and build your confidence OR taking major steps to create big shifts. Neither way is “right” or “wrong” – it just depends on what is right for the client at that time.

But I also talk about myself and how I tend to shift. My close friends already know this about me. I tend to be a big leaper – a “go big or go home” kind of shifter.

So when I ended up leaning over the edge of a mountain strapped to a harness (yes, that pic above is of me circa 1997 at a retreat in northern California) shouting “bonjour tout le monde,” the only person it really surprised was me.

I named this picture “The Edge” and have since kept in hanging on the wall of my office to remind me AND my clients about the comfort zone and how important it is to shake things up.

When I was hanging off the side of that mountain, I remember feeling:

• More alive and exhilarated than I had ever felt
• Afraid and excited at the same time
• Shaky and unsure
• A sense of trust and awe in the process

I also remember thinking:

• I might die
• How grateful I was to be supported (by a harness and friends behind me cheering me on)
• It’s time to live my life DESPITE my fear

Can you relate to what I was feeling and thinking as I was dangling off a mountain? Aren’t those things we feel and think during times of change, uncertainty, and growth?

YES! We react so similarly to fear, regardless of what the fear is about. And you don’t have to hang off a mountain to get in touch with it (thank goodness, right?).

I came away from that retreat a new woman. Within a year, my divorce was final, I quit a job I was miserable at, and I enrolled in graduate school. Being on the edge of a mountain allowed me to find the edges of my comfort zone, move past them, and dare to create a better life for myself.

What’s on the edge of your comfort zone?

If you’re ready to find out and want some support, let’s chat.

 

Fear: Friend or Foe?

As “The Fear Whisperer,” I hear A LOT about the down side of fear. Things like:

• It’s scary.
• It keeps me from doing what I really want to do.
• It holds me back.
• It sucks.
• It’s ruining my life.

Waa, waa, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Fear really gets a bad wrap.

And I’m here to change all that. So before you get your panties in a bunch and leave comments attacking me and my stance on fear, take a deep, cleansing breath, calm the F down, and listen.

For all the bad things you have to say about fear, there are some good things too.

Think of fear as your ultimate protector. It wants the best for you. It wants you safe. While it may not feel that way sometimes, it’s true.

You learned all about fear when you were very young. Chances are, the life you have now looks MUCH different than the one you grew up in. Especially if the one from years ago was full of uncertainty and dysfunction.

You see, when you’re in an environment that is unpredictable or allows harm to come to you (physical and/or emotional), you don’t feel safe. And fear runs rampant. But as a youngster, you cannot process fear the same way you can as an adult. As a child, fear is a big scary monster under the bed (or even in the next room).

And what do we do when there are monsters? We attack them, or run from them, or get so scared we cannot move.

Then we grow up and when other monsters appear and we feel threatened, we react in similar ways.

• Attacking may look like verbal or physical aggression
• Running may look like avoidance or procrastination
• Immobility may look like shutting down emotionally

But you must remember, fear is still just there trying to protect you.

One strategy I find helpful is to take a pause and THANK your fear (yes, you read that right).

Thank your fear for protecting you. It’s only doing its job.

Then let fear know that you no longer need protecting. You can handle this on your own. You can put your big girl/boy pants on and face that fear head on, and not let it keep you stuck.

Invite fear to walk away or gently escort it out of the building. Basically, give fear permission to leave. Think of it as your bodyguard. You can tell it to leave anytime you want.

Then, roll up your sleeves, take some more deep breaths, and move through the fear to the other side.

It may take some practice, but I promise, once you learn to look at fear as your FRIEND rather than your FOE, you will forever change your relationship with fear.

Looking for more strategies to help you through YOUR fear? I’d love to chat about how I might help coach you to the other side. Check out how you can work with me HERE.

 

43 Quotes About Fear

I love quotes! A good quote can help shift your perspective at just the right moment and provide inspiration in the face of darkness. Enjoy some of my favorite quotes about a topic near and dear to my heart: Fear.

You might take one (or two or more) of your favorites and post them around so you can see them, read them, and breathe them in when you need a dose of inspiration.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. ~ Marianne Williamson

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows. ~ Japanese Proverb

Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will. ~ James Stephens

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. ~ Unknown

Where no hope is left, is left no fear. ~ Milton

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold. ~ Helen Keller

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you. ~ Eric Hoffer

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. ~ Marcus Aurelius

Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. ~ Bertrand Russell

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. ~ Nelson Mandela

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. ~ Jim Morrison

Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change – this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress. ~ Bruce Barton

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. ~ Mark Twain

Fear cannot be without hope nor hope without fear. ~ Baruch Spinoza

Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. ~ Salvador Dali

If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. ~ Dale Carnegie

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For tips on HOW to overcome your fear, check out my online course –> “Fear 101: How to Harness the Power of Fear to Get Back on Track.”

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Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out. ~ Karl Augustus Menninger

Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all. ~ Norman Vincent Peale

Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends. ~ Shirley MacLaine

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. ~ Mark Twain

If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. ~ Sun Tzu

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. ~ Steve Jobs

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream. ~ Paulo Coelho

We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence. ~ Pope John Paul II

When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest. ~ Henry David Thoreau

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. ~ C. S. Lewis

When one has the feeling of dislike for evil, when one feels tranquil, one finds pleasure in listening to good teachings; when one has these feelings and appreciates them, one is free of fear. ~ Buddha

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way. ~ Babe Ruth

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Check out my online course “Fear 101: How to Harness the Power of Fear to Get Back on Track” to get some of my best tips on using fear to your advantage.

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It’s the most unhappy people who most fear change. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it. ~ Chanakya

We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict. ~ Jim Morrison

Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest. ~ Henry David Thoreau

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

In skating over thin ice our safety is in our speed. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. ~ H. P. Lovecraft

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. ~ Dale Carnegie

Try a thing you haven’t done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not. ~ Virgil Thomson

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear. ~ Gandhi

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic. ~ Unknown

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For tips on HOW to overcome your fear, check out the online course –> “Fear 101: How to Harness the Power of Fear to Get Back on Track.”

 

Veruca Salt Ain’t Got Nothing On Me: 4 Tips to Get Over Your Patience-Challenged Self

In a world where you can order food, clothing, education, and people online (or on your phone) with the touch of a button or a swipe to the right and have them appear within minutes, it’s no wonder we can get a sense of urgency about EVERYTHING.

If patience is a virtue, then we’re doomed.

But when I was growing up, I was taught that the things in life worth having were things that took time and effort. Do you see my dilemma?

Even though like Veruka Salt of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory “I want it and I want it NOW,” I also know it takes time and effort to get it. And that once we set our intention and our goal, our work has really just begun. The universe will continually test us to make sure we really want it.

This certainly could not have been truer during my recent re-branding process.

Luckily, in addition to some really great tools for shifting my thinking and my mood, I also have a great support system of friends, colleagues, and a kick-ass coach who all know about my restless nature and instead of allowing me to wallow in it help me learn from it.

So if you are patience-challenged, like me, when going after your big juicy dreams (in business OR in life), then these tips may be just what you need to GET OVER YOURSELF and muster up the strength to keep moving forward toward greatness:

1. Define your success. Nothing unleashes the green-eyed monster of envy faster than a skewed sense of success. In traditional business, success is often equated with money. But not everyone measures success that way. For me, success if about getting out of my comfort zone, being more visible, speaking my truth, and making an impact.
2. Don’t compare yourself to others. We all can fall prey to the comparison trap. But we have to remember that what we see on the outside is rarely what’s happening on the inside. I cannot tell you how many colleagues of mine have had the same experience as me of taking their business to the next level and having their personal lives fall to pieces concurrently. But on the outside, all others see is the prettiness of the business growth. When you find yourself wishing you had what others had, realize you’re not only wising for the good stuff, but the not so good stuff.
3. Align yourself with what you want (not what you don’t). It’s amazing how much we focus on what we DON’T want. I catch myself doing that and nip it in the bud as quickly as possible. If what we focus on is what we create, then why (oh, why) would we want to focus on anything but what we want?
4. Don’t quit before the miracle. Setbacks are part of the deal. The path from where you are now to where you want to be is NOT a straight, perfect line. It’s a curvy, jagged, winding road with detours, potholes, and inclement weather. The real work isn’t about getting to the end, it’s about managing all the crap that came up in the process of getting there.

If we got what we want immediately all the time, I truly believe we wouldn’t really appreciate it. The lessons and challenges we have along the way teach us so much and allow us the opportunity to really appreciate what we have.

So, move over you Verucas of the world. It’s time to actually put in the time and effort to get what you want. You’ll be soooo glad you did!

Got anything to share about your patience challenges and how you’ve dealt with them? Leave a comment below.

Meanwhile enjoy this blast from the past, Miss Veruca in action…

Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

In the months of my re-branding process (and even in the months leading up to it), I’ve had a creative surge. But most of my ideas aren’t really new. THANK GOODNESS!!

As part of me getting clearer about who I am and what I stand for, I’ve been able to embrace projects that have been abandoned over the years. I’m no stranger to branding. This is my third time to the rodeo in four years. But what’s so different this time around is that I’m deadest on bringing anything I’ve created that involves the theme of GETTING OUT OF YOUR OWN DAMN WAY to light.

No more hiding. No more abandoning my babies. No more excuses.

Nope. It’s ride or die time.

Several years ago when I began imagining my dream business, I thought of all the ways I could help people using all my talents, skills, and passions. The list was LONG, and got longer.

Us creative types can get a bit sidetracked and overwhelmed. Coming up with ideas is never the problem. The problem is in finishing them. And that’s exactly where I got stuck.

Yet I didn’t get stuck in places I expected to get stuck, like in how to get things done. The how is the easy part. How involves processes, technology, resources, and systems. I know a heck of a little about a lot of things and can usually find my way through the “how” stuckness. If not, that’s what virtual assistants and other techies are for.

No I got stuck in the why part. This is the trickier part, the part that brings up the inner critic and the ugly fear monster that whispers very unsweet nothings in your ear like:

• Who do you think you are to bring your work into the world
• Nobody wants to hear what you have to say
• You’re not perfect, so you’re a fraud

DAMN those fearful thoughts!

But part of the re-branding process for me has been learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Shocker. This is a phrase I use with my clients all the time. And now the tables turned. In order to bring my vision to light, I had to come to terms with the absolute and undeniable FACT that things were gonna get downright uncomfortable, meaning the inner voices of self-doubt and fear were going to get friggin’ loud.

As I braced myself for the onslaught of negativity, something strange happened. It didn’t really come. At least not as roaring and loud as I had anticipated. What happened is that while roadblocks occurred, my inner love-bug kicked in telling me things like:

• You’re amazing
• You’ve got this
• Keep going
• You’re almost there

And you know what? I listened. I’m in my 9^th month of amazing-ness. Projects are getting finished left and right. New connections are being made. New opportunities are presenting themselves. My speaking calendar has never been so booked. And more and more people are knocking down the door to work with me.

So when I talk about using fear as a catalyst rather than a crutch, I know of what I speak cause I’ve totally lived it. It is possible to tame that fear and use it to propel you forward into some amazing results.

How are you taming YOUR fear? Leave a comment below.

Photo: Performing Female Contortionist — Image by © Bernd Vogel/Corbis