The Best Way to Create Misunderstandings

Today I’m going to blow the lid off one of the most common thought distortions I see happening in the world today. It’s responsible for arguments, knock-down-drag-out fights, misunderstandings, break-ups, and I’m sure a whole slew of other things. Women use it. Men use it. Teenagers use it. It’s mind reading – believing others know what you’re thinking and should act accordingly, then getting upset when they don’t, or even thinking you know what someone else is thinking.

Unless you are a true mind reader (and I don’t know any), you simply have no clue what goes through someone else’s mind. Sure we might have a strong connection with someone, be able to finish their sentences, and be right most of the time on what they are thinking. But we typically don’t get into trouble in those circumstances, do we? It’s when we assume and we’re wrong that the real problem begins.

If you’re anything like me, you have conversations with yourself in your head all the time. It’s the mind chatter that goes on, your thoughts, judgments, inner critic or inner cheerleader. When we get so wrapped up in our own thoughts, we just get one perspective. And truth be told, our thoughts can be deceptive sometimes. Our mind serves to protect us and to look for evidence to support our beliefs. If we believe we’re being treated unfairly, our mind looks for evidence, and we undoubtedly will find it. Then our feelings follow and then our reaction to the situation. And it all happens very quickly.

When we engage in assuming we know what others think or that others know what we think, we fall into certain belief traps, such as:

• I think THIS, therefore everyone must think it too. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are all unique individuals with our own thoughts. While there are commonalities in how we think, no two people will have exactly the same thoughts all the time. To combat this assumption, remind yourself that everyone thinks differently.
• Others SHOULD KNOW HOW I THINK without me having to say it. Ahhhh, what a lovely idea. But a little naïve and romantic. Getting in the “should-ing” game is dangerous territory…a place of expecting everything is perfect, your needs always come first and always get met, and that you don’t have to work at it. It’s not realistic. To blow this assumption out of the water, tell yourself that in order to get your needs met, you need to clearly communicate them, which includes saying them out loud (not just in your head).
• If he/she knows what I think, they SHOULD DO WHAT I WANT. Another part of the “should-ing” family, this assumption underscores our desire to have control of how other people behave, feel, and think. When we assume others know what we think, there’s a common misconception that if they know they will act accordingly. But we do not have control over anything, except ourselves and how we think and act. To stave off this assumption, remember that everyone has a choice as to how they react and that you only have control over yourself.

The only way to truly know what someone else is thinking is to ask them. And the only way others will know what you are thinking is if you tell them. So get the conversation out of your head then out of your mouth.

Photo: Limecrime Mini-cards! © by queercatkitten

Don’t Die with the Music Still in You

Dr. Wayne Dyer, one of my favorite authors and spiritual teachers, has used this saying for years: Don’t Die with the Music Still in You. I’m not sure who it is originally credited to. But what a beautiful and inspiring statement it is. And it recently ran across my email inbox, prompting me to write an article about it.

As you may (or may not) know, I have been surrounded by loss this year. First, my mom passed away in March, then my son left for college across the country in May, then one of my cats passed away recently (in mid October). As you might imagine, the themes of death and loss are swirling around in my head and heart.

Loss can do some funny things. It can make us take stock of where we are in our lives, what we have, what relationships we’re in, what we do for money, etc. Loss can help us make changes in our lives that we’ve been putting off, like finally getting to items on that bucket (or wish) list. We might adopt an attitude of “life is too short to…,” then make decisions to move us in different directions in one or more areas of life.

Or loss can keep us stuck. Stuck in fear that something else bad might happen or stuck in memories and what-if’s. We might lament our loss and replay things over and over in our minds. We might be stuck on auto-pilot because we’re just too steeped in sadness, or grief, or guilt, or anger, or a mixture of complicated emotions.

Luckily, I have a tremendous support system of family, friends, and professionals who are there for me, providing strength, words of wisdom, shoulders to cry on, empathic ears, and little nudges forward. I have shared my life goals (both personal and professional) with so many people who offer true support that it is very difficult for me to stay stuck. HALLELULIA! I have people who want me to share my music.

While the saying “Don’t Die with the Music Still in You” is quite appropriate for me since I am a singer/songwriter and actually write music, the point of this saying is to share who you really are with the world while you still can. We all have something inside begging to get out. It is our passion, what lights us up inside (and out), our unique gifts and talents, or a message for the world. So often we are afraid to share that special side of ourselves. Sometimes it takes a major shift, like looking death or loss square in the face, to get us to the point of being ready to take the leap. Sometimes it is something less traumatic that happens. Either way, it just takes some courage and motivation to share yourself with the world and to not die with your music still inside you.

Here’s some tips on how you can unleash your special passion:

1. Get clear on what truly lights you up. It’s different for everyone. Think about what puts a smile on your face and gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling.
2. Share your passion with another person. It’s easy to declare a passion silently to yourself. You’ve probably done that already. But where has it gotten you. Letting someone else know about your passion sets the wheels in motion of accountability. Now you have someone else keeping an eye on your passion who can support you in unleashing it.
3. Vow to add more time and space (and whatever other resources you might need) to allow that passion to move more front and center. You can start small. Block out 15 minutes a week on your schedule to devote to your passion and see what happens. Notice any shifts in how you think and how you feel as you start focusing more on your passion.

So what is the “music” that is still in you? I’d love to hear what your passion is and how you plan to unleash it. Leave a comment below.

Photo: Freedom #2 © by hang_in_there

Farewell, my Furry, Fluffy Feline…

I have just weathered my third significant loss of 2012…the death of my beloved feline, Hoover, who (along with his twin brother Boomer) has been a part of my family for just over 10 years. While I didn’t intend for this blog to turn into things all about grief, it is about self care, my own journey included. And my journey this year has been winding, painful, glorious, sad, and blessed all at the same time.

After a very short week and a half of diagnostics, medications that didn’t work, and rapid decline, I made the painful decision to help my fluffy boy end his suffering. I found a vet who performs in-home euthanasia. With soft, soothing music in the background and candles lit, Hoover drifted into a peaceful, eternal sleep in my arms. This picture was taken just hours before he passed – him laying in one of his favorite spots on the couch, near the front door, enjoying a cool breeze and the sound of birds chirping.

I am so grateful for the outpouring of support from my friends and family. Here is a poem I wrote in response to one of the most common things people say to you after a loss (“let me know what I can do”). I know I’ve said it to others before, but this year, this challenging year of three losses, I have heard this so much and been on the other side of it. As usual, life looks different on the other side.

world turned upside down
©2012 krylyn

there is nothing i can think of
as my world is turned upside down
thoughts are fuzzy
head in a daze
walking around aimlessly
searching, waiting, hoping
then remembering
my world is turned upside down

i forget basics
like breathing, eating, and drinking
then something reminds me
and i come back from wherever i was
thinking of memories
or painful decisions
or how i am going to go on with this
intense sadness
my world is turned upside down

so you ask me to let you know
if there’s anything i need
and there is nothing i can think of
because my thoughts are fuzzy
and i cannot even remember to breathe
all i can do is grieve
my world is turned upside down

9 Songs About Overcoming Fear

In the spirit of October and Halloween, it’s time to celebrate fear. Yeah, you read that right. Celebrate. Fear. I often talk about what a bad wrap fear gets, but no heavy discussion here. This post is all about kicking back and listening to some great music about fear – overcoming it, bringing it out in the open, and getting past it. Enjoy!

1. Drive by Incubus

2. I Dare You to Move by Switchfoot

3. Fearless from I am Bullyproof Music

4. The Fear by Lily Allen

5. F.E.A.R. by Ian Brown

6. Afraid by Nelly Furtado

7. Fear by Sarah McLachlan

8. I’m Afriad of Americans by David Bowie (featuring Nine Inch Nails)

9. Get It Together by India.Arie

For tips on HOW to overcome your fear, please join me for my next monthly FREE Telseminar, “What Haunts You: Facing the (Not So) Scary Truth About What Keeps You Stuck.” Simply go to the REGISTRATION page at https://krylyn.com/dev/free-teleseminars/what-haunts-you, and enter your name and email to get signed up. Even if you can’t attend the live call, you will get access to the recording of the call, but only if you register.

Focusing on What Works

Do you often struggle in one or more areas of your life? Finances, health, relationships, work, etc.? It seems like the areas in which we find challenges are ones we focus on, which only makes sense if you believe, like many of us seem to, that you must fix what is broken. Society bombards us with messages of improving those areas. We must listen, because the messages keep coming.

But how much time do we spend focusing on the areas that ARE working well? If you’re anything like me, I’m guessing you don’t focus much on those at all. Yet, if we’re breathing (and reading this), we must be doing something right.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

And to take it another step further, what if you could learn to love the part of you that isn’t “perfect” or the challenge you are facing. I’m not talking doe-eyed, weak-in-the-knees kind of love, but an acceptance of what is.

I began this practice after reading the book “Learning to Love Yourself: A Guide to Becoming Centered” by Gay Hendricks a few years ago. In it, he talks about consciously accepting the parts of yourself that you struggle with. Saying outloud the phrase “I love that part of me that…” is a cornerstone to this practice. For example, when I struggle with feeling overwhelmed about a deadline, I might say to myself “I love the part of me that has difficulty staying focused” or “I love the part of me that would rather be writing a song.” Inevitably, I end up with a smile on my face or a sense of relief, because just stopping and saying something that seems so contrary to what I’m thinking or experiencing gives me persmission to be more gentle with myself  and shifts my perspective. And, it’s all a matter of perspective.

So what are you doing that is working for you? Do you take time to recognize those things, or just gloss over them, sometimes unconsciously, on your way to thoughts of what isn’t working well? Take some time to focus on what is working and shift your perspective. Here’s some tips to try:

1. Write a list of things that are working well for you. Things that are working well are not areas that require a lot from you. They are things that happen on auto-pilot and can be as simple as taking five minutes in the morning to stretch, taking a walk around the block, or brushing your teeth before bed. Keep this list with you and add to it as you think of more. Look at it when you are having one of those “nothing is working well” moments.
2. Pick one thing from your “things that are working well” list and DO MORE OF IT.
3. Think of one area in your life that you would like to change. Be specific. For example, one of my areas to work on is doing one thing at a time (which I call “mono-tasking”). That’s pretty easy to measure. I’m either doing one thing at a time or I’m not. Then, say “I love the part of me that…” and fill in the rest with the area you are focusing on. For me, I might say “I love the part of me that has difficulty focusing on one thing at a time.” Say your phrase out loud five times. Notice how you feel after saying it.

Remember, it may seem easier to focus on the problems, but doing so just gives the problems more energy, which I’m guessing is NOT what you want to do. Switching your focus to what is working and accepting when you are challenged by it is a much gentler way of being, which I’m guessing is more of what you DO want.

I’d love to hear what results you get from shifting your focus. Leave a comment below.

Photo: Curious kid © by Mads Boedker

44 Quotes About Fear

I love quotes! A good quote can help shift your perspective at just the right moment and provide inspiration in the face of darkness. Enjoy some of my favorite quotes about a topic near and dear to my heart: Fear.

You might take one (or two or more) of your favorites and post them around so you can see them, read them, and breathe them in when you need a dose of inspiration.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. ~ Marianne Williamson

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows. ~ Japanese Proverb

Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will. ~ James Stephens

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. ~ Unknown

Where no hope is left, is left no fear. ~ Milton

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold. ~ Helen Keller

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you. ~ Eric Hoffer

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. ~ Marcus Aurelius

Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. ~ Bertrand Russell

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. ~ Nelson Mandela

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. ~ Bill Cosby

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. ~ Jim Morrison

Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change – this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress. ~ Bruce Barton

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. ~ Mark Twain

Fear cannot be without hope nor hope without fear. ~ Baruch Spinoza

Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. ~ Salvador Dali

If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. ~ Dale Carnegie

For tips on HOW to overcome your fear, please join me for my next monthly FREE Telseminar, “What Haunts You: Facing the (Not So) Scary Truth About What Keeps You Stuck.” Simply go to the REGISTRATION page at https://krylyn.com/free-teleseminars/what-haunts-you, and enter your name and email to get signed up. Even if you can’t attend the live call, you will get access to the recording of the call, but only if you register.

Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out. ~ Karl Augustus Menninger

Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all. ~ Norman Vincent Peale

Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends. ~ Shirley MacLaine

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. ~ Mark Twain

If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. ~ Sun Tzu

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. ~ Steve Jobs

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream. ~ Paulo Coelho

We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence. ~ Pope John Paul II

When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest. ~ Henry David Thoreau

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. ~ C. S. Lewis

When one has the feeling of dislike for evil, when one feels tranquil, one finds pleasure in listening to good teachings; when one has these feelings and appreciates them, one is free of fear. ~ Buddha

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way. ~ Babe Ruth

For tips on HOW to overcome your fear, please join me for my next monthly FREE Telseminar, “What Haunts You: Facing the (Not So) Scary Truth About What Keeps You Stuck.” Simply go to the REGISTRATION page at https://krylyn.com/free-teleseminars/what-haunts-you, and enter your name and email to get signed up. Even if you can’t attend the live call, you will get access to the recording of the call, but only if you register.

It’s the most unhappy people who most fear change. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it. ~ Chanakya

We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict. ~ Jim Morrison

Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest. ~ Henry David Thoreau

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

In skating over thin ice our safety is in our speed. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. ~ H. P. Lovecraft

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. ~ Dale Carnegie

Try a thing you haven’t done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not. ~ Virgil Thomson

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear. ~ Gandhi

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic. ~ Unknown

For tips on HOW to overcome your fear, please join me for my next monthly FREE Telseminar, “What Haunts You: Facing the (Not So) Scary Truth About What Keeps You Stuck.” Simply go to the REGISTRATION page at https://krylyn.com/free-teleseminars/what-haunts-you, and enter your name and email to get signed up. Even if you can’t attend the live call, you will get access to the recording of the call, but only if you register.

Photo: Fear – Graffiti © by Jimee, Jackie, Tom & Asha