Ditching the Disease to Please: Goodbye “Good Girl,” Hello HAPPY ☺ Girl

If women are “programmed” to do anything, it’s to please others and be a “good girl.” And by “good” it is assumed you will:

• Be compliant and not complain about what is expected of you, which is more than any one person could possibly do anyway.
• Do for others RATHER than do for yourself.
• Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.
• Forget about your hopes, dreams, passions, and goals.

And if you do any or all of those things listed above, it’s a recipe for disaster. Whenever you put yourself at the bottom of your priority list, it takes a toll on you – your physical, emotional, and mental health. It sends a message, not only to you, but to everyone around you that you’re not important, that you don’t matter.

Dr. Wayne Dyer has said “You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you.” What are you teaching people? To treat you like a deserving, lovable, competent, intelligent, independent, worthy woman. OR, to treat you like someone who will always be there to do what other people can’t, won’t, or don’t want to do?

To find out if you tend to be a people pleaser, answer the following true or false questions:

1. I say yes to other people’s requests even when I really want to say no.
2. I get anxious at the thought of someone not liking me or something I’ve done (or not done).
3. I feel resentful when I do things for other people.
4. I feel resentful when other people don’t do things for me, especially when I do so much for them.
5. I want people to automatically know what I want or need without having to say it.

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you just might be a people pleaser. The good news is you can unlearn your people-pleasing ways and get back to putting yourself at the top of your priority list. In order to be treated the way you deserve to be treated, you must first start with yourself. People take clues on how to treat you by watching how you treat yourself. So treat yourself well. Here’s some tips on how:

• Define your priorities. Make a list of all your priorites in life, such as your family, friends, job, finances, health, etc. Then pick the top three you’d like to focus on in the next month or so. Write out your list and keep it where you can see it or refer to it. When asked to do something, check in with your priority list. If the request isn’t aligned with your priorities, it will be easier to turn it down.
• Schedule yourself on your calendar. We fill up our schedules with meetings, appointments, errands, etc. If it’s on your calendar, you know it needs to get done. So why not use that to your advantage and block out some time for yourself.
• Learn to say no. The word “no” is one that none of us like to hear. So it might be easier to think of saying no to others in terms of saying YES to yourself. If someone asks you to do something you really don’t want to do, keep your priority of saying yes to yourself in mind and politely decline the request. This is a skill that takes some practice. You might want to start by saying no to small things first and with people you know won’t be easily upset. Once you have small successes under your belt, it will be easier to say no to bigger things and with people who are more vested in getting their way than in you being happy.
  

For more ideas on how to ditch that annoying disease to please, please join me for my next monthly FREE Telseminar, “Getting Over the Good Girl Syndrome: Learning to Say No.” Simply go to the REGISTRATION page at https://krylyn.com/free-teleseminars/getting-over-the-good-girl-syndrome, and enter your name and email to get signed up. Even if you can’t attend the live call, you will get access to the recording of the call, but only if you register.

How Music Helps Teach Expectations

Here is a wonderful teaching moment Bobby McFerrin used to illustrate how we are wired into certain expectations…using only his body and sound. Just another example of how music can be used to teach non-musical things. Enjoy!

Book Review: The Art of Extreme Self Care

Let me ask you this…do you say yes a lot? We get programmed from an early age to say yes. Yes to our parents. Yes to our teachers. Yes to our lovers. Yes to our bosses. Yes to our children. When it comes to yes, the one person who hears it the least often is ourselves. We don’t want to disappoint, to be seen as a problem, to rock the boat. But our YES habit could be affecting us negatively in so many ways.

Think about a recent situation in which you said YES when you really wanted to say NO.

• How did you feel when you said YES (resentful, angry, disappointed)?
• What did you think about yourself or the other person in the situation (I’m so weak. They expect too much.)?
• How did saying YES affect you and people around you (had to cancel personal plans, was late to child’s recital or game, didn’t get to the grocery store and had to order takeout for dinner)?

I’ve been practicing saying YES to myself a lot lately, which inevitably leads to saying no to others. I’ve found that people seem okay when you have a good “excuse” for saying no, or at least what they consider a good excuse. But if you tell them you are saying no because you are making yourself a priority, which means not overscheduling your time or committing yourself to projects that don’t fit your current priorities, they have a tough time understanding. At least that has been my experience.

In her book “The Art of Extreme Self Care,” Cheryl Richardson talks about getting comfortable with disappointing people. Sounds a bit strange, doesn’t it? Comfortable…with disappointing people? She discusses how we often avoid saying no because we:

• Don’t want to feel guilty
• Don’t want others to feel disappointed
• Don’t know the language to use to say no
• Are afraid of conflict
• Want people to like us

Does this sound familiar? I know it does for me. I’ve experienced all of these at one point or another. But I’ve also realized that when I disappoint myself, the effects are much longer-lasting and the consequences much more far-reaching than if I suck it up and say no to others.

If  you want to join me in saying YES to yourself, here’s some tips you can try as recommended in Cheryl Richardson’s book:

1. BUYING TIME: The next time someone asks you to do something and you feel pressured to say yes but want to say no, just let them know you need to think about it before you give an answer.
2. CHECKING YOUR GUT: Check in with your body and what it is telling you about the situation. If you really listen, you’ll be able to hear it tell you if something feels right or wrong for you.
3. TELLING THE TRUTH WITH GRACE AND LOVE: Say no by being honest and keeping your answer simple and direct. We tend to want to explain ourselves away, but it’s really not necessary. As long as you respond from a place of caring and respect for both yourself and the other person, it will come across.

For more information, I definitely recommend checking out Cheryl Richardson’s book, “The Art of Extreme Self Care.”

I’d love to hear about how you are saying YES to yourself. Please leave a comment below.

A Word About Life’s Challenges: The Onion Always Has More Layers

“Whatever you have forgotten, you can remember. Whatever you have buried you can unearth. If you are willing to look deep into your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of not-self you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will find that your true self is not as far removed as you think.” -Meredith Jordan

Just when I think I’ve transcended a challenge, another one pops up that is similar or somehow related to the initial challenge. Does this ever happen to you?

There’s an analogy you may be familiar with about peeling back the layers of an onion. Basically, it means that a challenge or problem we’re faced with has many facets and the deeper we go to deal with it, the more we find out…about the challenge, other people involved in it, and ultimately ourselves.

Even when we think the challenge is over, it may come back again days, weeks, or years later disguised as something new, but really, it relates to something old. This happens to me and I’m getting better at recognizing how new challenges are just old ones in disguise.

I believe there’s always more layers. More to learn, more to experience, more to transcend. While it may be easy to get frustrated by this, think about it this way…what would life be like if there weren’t anything more to learn? Once you bask in the simplicity of living such a life, really think about it.

It really boils down to willingness…to be open to the lessons and to be gentle with ourselves in the process. I do believe we learn the most about ourselves during times of challenge. So, go find a challenge today, embrace it, and try these tips:

1. Identify one challenge. Does it involve a relationship, your job, finances, health, etc.? What feelings do you have about your challenge? What thoughts? Where do you feel it in your body? Have you experienced these same feelings, thoughts, or physical issues with other challenges? How were those challenges similar to the one you are currently facing? Journal your answers and see what comes up.
2. Embrace the emotion. While you may feel pain, fear, discomfort, or a slew of other feelings as you go through a challenge, know that that is normal. When we make an effort to avoid our feelings (with distractions such as work, TV, food, etc.) we are really doing a disservice to ourselves. It is important to allow the feelings to come up, experience them, and then let them subside on their own. This helps us move through them and get to the other side.
3. Find the lessons. Can you find gratitude in your challenge? What are you learning about yourself, others, life? Take some time to write down the lessons you are learning and the value of the lessons. It might be painful or uncomfortable now, but the more

And as I always say, be gentle with yourself as you go through these tips. You don’t need to add the challenge of being hard on yourself on top of everything else.

I’d love to hear about how you are moving through a challenge in  your life. Please leave a comment below.

Photo: Onion Macro © by Dottie Mae

Facing Life’s Challenges: Learning to Dance in the Rain

“Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to dance in the rain!” ~ Vivian Greene

When faced with life’s challenges, it’s easy to succumb to negativity, apathy, and an attitude of giving up. But it is during these times we have an opportunity to really show life what we’re made of. This short video illustrates this beautifully. Enjoy!

Self Care Tips for the Grief-Stricken

It’s been just over two weeks since my mom passed away. I’ve been inundated with emails and phone calls from friends, family, colleagues, and other people in my “tribe.” They’ve sent a lot of well-wishes, prayers, good thoughts, and tons of questions and suggestions, such as “how can I help” and “call me if you need anything.”

As someone who has an easy time reaching out to others in need but difficulty reaching out when I’m in need, I find it challenging to identify anything anyone could possibly do for me right now. “How can I help” is such a vague, esoteric question, one I just don’t know how to answer, or answer with anything anyone could feasibly do…such as take away these intense, mixed emotions I’m having.

People mean well but they just don’t know what to say. Because there really is nothing to say, other than I’m sorry this happened. Besides, what I’m finding out is that my loss reminds people of their losses and of what they have to lose. We don’t like to be reminded of such things, because it brings up those intense, mixed emotions. I’ve listened to more people talk about their own grief in the last couple weeks than I have in quite a while. Normally, I don’t mind, but it’s really hard to be a shoulder to cry on when mine is already weakened and wet with my own tears.

But I have found some things that have really helped me so far in these early stages of my grieving process. And I’d like to share them in hopes they might help someone else through their grief:

• Feel your feelings. Let me be clear…grief sucks. Every possible emotion a human could have comes during grief…often at the same time. It’s sometimes been difficult to identify what I’m feeling because it changes so quickly. Fear, sadness, relief, anger, resentment, shock, apathy, anxiety, etc. I’ve been referring to my emotions as waves, because they creep up on me, intensify, then subside. It reminds me of a wave…you can see it coming, then you’re in it, then it goes away. It’s so important to let this process happen naturally. Don’t fight it. Don’t ignore it. Just be with it.
• Nourish your body. It’s easy to be so preoccupied with your grief that you forget to eat or drink. But your body needs nourishment, and even moreso as you grieve. I’m not going to rant about healthy eating, because I certainly took some time off to indulge in some comfort foods. But I am going to emphasize the importance of keeping yourself fed and full of liquids.
• Get outside. It’s easy to hibernate when you don’t feel good. You don’t want to deal with the outside world – with people. And that’s okay. But do get some fresh air. Being outside in nature is a great way to connect with other living things, and connecting with other living things is very important as you grieve the loss of a loved one.

Here’s some other quick tips on how to manage your grief:

• Sleep when you’re tired
• Eat when you’re hungry
• Talk when you want to
• Cry when you need to
• Slowly get back to your own routines
• Take more frequent breaks throughout the day
• Forgive yourself for dirty dishes, dirty clothes, and a messy desk
• Love yourself
• Use natural remedies, such as Bach’s Star of Bethlehem
• Take walks alone or with friends or family
• Give yourself permission to take breaks from your grief

Got any other suggestions on how to manage grief? I’d love to hear them. Please leave a comment below.

Photo: Grief Weeping with History (Washington, DC) © by takomabibelot