Songwriting Imitates Life: Vulnerability Without Judgment

In a recent workshop I facilitated about Songwriting Therapy™, one of the participants brought up the idea of vulnerability. Ah, yes, vulnerability. That space of opening ourselves, our flaws, experiences, feelings, thoughts, our truth with others. We are not taught about vulnerability. But we learn about it…often the hard way – by experiencing it and all the discomfort that can accompany it. Most people fight it or hide it.

The idea came up as we talked about sharing our creativity with others. As a singer/songwriter, I’ve had my share of battles with vulnerability. It helps me get to an honest place of sharing that connects with others on a deep level. But it can be scary, opening me up to criticism and scrutiny.

When I was younger, I was often deeply affected by what others had to say about my creative expressions. I took it personally when someone didn’t like my voice, my words, my arrangements, or any other aspect of my songs. Oddly (or maybe not) the people who often voiced their criticism were members of my own family – my mom, my sister, and my husband. These were people whose opinions I held dear, so it was a difficult pill to swallow thinking I may not be doing something good because they said it wasn’t good.

As I grew older and experienced many more vulnerable moments (in songwriting and in life), I came to realize that expressing myself and being vulnerable had so much more to do with me valuing my own opinion and self worth than it did with other people’s opinions or judgments. Once I realized that, I noticed a huge shift in my ability to speak up for myself, express myself, and even sing in front of others.

Do you have difficulty being vulnerable? Here’s some tips to get you through:

• Don’t solicit someone’s opinion unless you really want to hear it. Sometimes we get caught up in our ego and needing approval that we just let the words “what do you think” (or something similar) roll off our tongue, then immediately regret it. Unless you’re willing to hear the bad with the good, don’t ask people what they think. Remember, the only opinion that really matters is yours.
• Don’t take other people’s negativity personally. People say and do things we don’t like. It’s inevitable. But when we take it personally, thinking it had to do with something we did or said (or worse, who we are) we can get caught in a downward spiral of negativity ourselves. Think about your reactions to others, which are often colored by what you’re going through in your life, how you feel physically, what happened just before (or what’s going to happen just after). Keep this in mind when dealing with other people’s reactions. How they react may have less to do with you than you realized – and more to do with the kind of day they’re having (or their own general outlook on life).
• Celebrate your vulnerability. Vulnerability comes in all shapes, sizes, and forms. We can easily forget that we have opportunities to share our thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, goals, etc. with others all the time, which opens us up to being vulnerable. Be proud of those small moments you are able to share with others, which can be a stepping stone to sharing even bigger, more meaningful moments.

Remember that being vulnerable is a part of life. The more we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable, the easier it will be. And the more we’ll be able to express ourselves fully, leading to a healthier, happier, more balanced life.

Got more tips for being vulnerable? Please share by leaving a comment below.

Songwriting Imitates Life: Process Vs. Outcome

With songwriting, there is often (but not always) an outcome or finished product called a song. But the joy of songwriting for me is in what happens during the writing process. I like to remember that the word songwriting (for me) is an action word, not an outcome word, otherwise it would be called “song-wrote.”

During my songwriting process, ideas come, seemingly from no source (or maybe THE source), and flow through me. I just let it happen. I get in touch with feelings and thoughts I didn’t know were there, or that were buried or hidden just out of my reach. It is the one area of my life I am routinely not a perfectionist. I don’t expect too much from myself. And I allow myself to go with the flow.

When inspiration strikes, I let it carry me where it wants to go. Someties it’s a long journey, sometimes short, and sometimes it turns and takes me in another direction. Often, I can sit down and write the lyrics and melody of a song within 30 minutes. Other times, I get a verse or a phrase written and the flow stops. Maybe the song isn’t ready to go further at all, it was just a quick expression and now it’s over. Sometimes, I’ll look at it a few days, weeks, months, or years later and the rest of the song flows and gets finished. The point is that I don’t force it. I let the process happen and know that whatever is meant to be will be.

But it took me a long time to figure out that the process was the key. I remember getting frustrated when inspiration didn’t come when, where, and how I wanted. I longed for the finished song and cursed any interruptions in getting me there. Interruptions like

• the obligation of going to a job
• needing to be somewhere at a certain time
• the phone ringing
• a knock at the door
• my stomach growling
• or any number of other things

I just wanted to get through the process to the outcome of a finished song, and I was content to pay little attention to what was going on around me.

Sound familiar?

So often, our society is bent on outcome – realized goals, acquired possessions, tangible evidence of success, doing whatever it takes to get the job done. But often, we go after the outcome at the expense of ourselves. We can lose sight of what’s important, lose sleep, skip meals, avoid friends and family, not take care of ourselves. In other words, compromise our physical and mental health…all for the sake of a goal.

Process is the journey. It’s about keeping our eyes on the goal but not allowing our focus to be so all-or-nothing, tunnel-vision, all-consuming, that we forget what’s going on around us. It’s about honoring ourselves and our vision for the future at the same time. And it can be a real challenge.

Are you outcome or process focused? If you have a to-do list a mile long, rarely take breaks, eat on the run, multi-task, don’t schedule time for yourself, and are challenged by the idea or practice of taking good care of yourself, chances are you are more focused on the outcomes, or goals, in your life. If you routinely schedule time for yourself, don’t get too bothered by detours and changes in plans, rest when you need to rest, and make self care a priority, then you are likely a person who is focused more on the process, or journey, of your life. So which one are you?

The good news is you don’t have to stay stuck on either side. Life often changes course and there’s always an opportunity to shift the way you live your life. Being aware is always the first step in any healing journey. The next step is doing something about it. Here’s some tips you might try to get less focused on your goal and more focused on your journey:

1. Let go of your perfection and remember…done is better than perfect.
2. If things aren’t working smoothly, or flowing easily, let them go and focus on something else.
3. Honor yourself by taking small breaks throughout the day. Stretch, change your scenery, or get outside for some fresh air.

Got any comments about process vs. outcome? Please share them below. And please feel free to share this article via your social networks.