Who Do You Want to Be?

Who do you want to be? A question asked at this time of year as people young and old (and not-so-old) gear up for a day of transforming themselves for Halloween. Zombies, princesses, vampires, pirates, gypsies, clowns, witches, superheroes, and all sorts of other creatures and characters emerge to celebrate on this day. I’m guessing some people spend more time planning who they want to be for Halloween, costume and demeanor, than they do planning who they truly want to be in their own lives.

Maybe it’s because we’re afraid to take a really hard look at ourselves. Maybe we aren’t happy with the way things currently are. Or maybe we’re going through some tough times and just don’t have the energy to focus on ourselves. There doesn’t ever seem to be a shortage of reasons (or excuses) to not focus on ourselves, does there? But when we avoid asking ourselves the question “who do I want to be” we’re missing a tremendous opportunity to shape ourselves, to make changes, and to live the life we’re meant to live.

When I talk about who we are and who we want to be, I’m talking about on the inside – personality and character traits, how we feel about ourselves, and the way others would describe us. Things like:

• Honest
• Kind
• Gracious
• Compassionate
• Empathic
• Considerate
• Giving
• Friendly
• Helpful
• Zealous
• Courageous
• Passionate
• Tactful
• Sensitive (to name just a few)

While we may have moments of not being our best selves, chances are we have more moments of being the way we want to be than we realize. We tend to focus on our missteps (rather than our successes), and then mistakenly believe those smaller moments as true in describing who we are. Just because you do one thing that is dishonest doesn’t mean you are a dishonest person. Just because you say one thing that is hurtful doesn’t mean you are an unkind person. It just means you did one thing not in line with who you are.

Have you ever really stopped to think about who you truly are inside or how you would describe yourself? Or who you want to become? Whether you have or not, here’s your opportunity to do it or to remind yourself. Here’s some tips on how:

• Take a moment to think about all the wonderful characteristics you posses (or want to posses). Think of examples and experiences when you were able to show who you truly are. You might also think of ways you could show who you want to be.
• Then write them down, including specific examples of how you showed (or would show) who you are. Include as many details as you can (who was or would be involved, what were you or would you be doing, how did you or would you feel about yourself, etc.).
• Keep these stories of proof of who you are or who you want to be close by to remind you in times when you are feeling less than your ideal self.
• The best way to transform into who you want to be is to act accordingly. Take small action steps. Think of what a compassionate person would do or someone who is courageous or gracious (or whatever characteristic you wish you had more of). Then do it.

Sure it’s fun to pretend and dress up, taking on a new persona, and taking a vacation from who you really are. But just imagine if you put the same amount of thought, focus, and attention on yourself throughout the year. Who would YOU be?

Photo: Halloween niños 2011 © by gaudiramone

Dyer on Living with Passion

Dr. Wayne Dyer’s phrase “Don’t die with your music still in you” is one of my favorites. Here is a short video of him discussing how this phrase came about and how to capture the spirit of living with passion and a sense of purpose. Enjoy!

The Best Way to Create Misunderstandings

Today I’m going to blow the lid off one of the most common thought distortions I see happening in the world today. It’s responsible for arguments, knock-down-drag-out fights, misunderstandings, break-ups, and I’m sure a whole slew of other things. Women use it. Men use it. Teenagers use it. It’s mind reading – believing others know what you’re thinking and should act accordingly, then getting upset when they don’t, or even thinking you know what someone else is thinking.

Unless you are a true mind reader (and I don’t know any), you simply have no clue what goes through someone else’s mind. Sure we might have a strong connection with someone, be able to finish their sentences, and be right most of the time on what they are thinking. But we typically don’t get into trouble in those circumstances, do we? It’s when we assume and we’re wrong that the real problem begins.

If you’re anything like me, you have conversations with yourself in your head all the time. It’s the mind chatter that goes on, your thoughts, judgments, inner critic or inner cheerleader. When we get so wrapped up in our own thoughts, we just get one perspective. And truth be told, our thoughts can be deceptive sometimes. Our mind serves to protect us and to look for evidence to support our beliefs. If we believe we’re being treated unfairly, our mind looks for evidence, and we undoubtedly will find it. Then our feelings follow and then our reaction to the situation. And it all happens very quickly.

When we engage in assuming we know what others think or that others know what we think, we fall into certain belief traps, such as:

• I think THIS, therefore everyone must think it too. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are all unique individuals with our own thoughts. While there are commonalities in how we think, no two people will have exactly the same thoughts all the time. To combat this assumption, remind yourself that everyone thinks differently.
• Others SHOULD KNOW HOW I THINK without me having to say it. Ahhhh, what a lovely idea. But a little naïve and romantic. Getting in the “should-ing” game is dangerous territory…a place of expecting everything is perfect, your needs always come first and always get met, and that you don’t have to work at it. It’s not realistic. To blow this assumption out of the water, tell yourself that in order to get your needs met, you need to clearly communicate them, which includes saying them out loud (not just in your head).
• If he/she knows what I think, they SHOULD DO WHAT I WANT. Another part of the “should-ing” family, this assumption underscores our desire to have control of how other people behave, feel, and think. When we assume others know what we think, there’s a common misconception that if they know they will act accordingly. But we do not have control over anything, except ourselves and how we think and act. To stave off this assumption, remember that everyone has a choice as to how they react and that you only have control over yourself.

The only way to truly know what someone else is thinking is to ask them. And the only way others will know what you are thinking is if you tell them. So get the conversation out of your head then out of your mouth.

Photo: Limecrime Mini-cards! © by queercatkitten

Don’t Die with the Music Still in You

Dr. Wayne Dyer, one of my favorite authors and spiritual teachers, has used this saying for years: Don’t Die with the Music Still in You. I’m not sure who it is originally credited to. But what a beautiful and inspiring statement it is. And it recently ran across my email inbox, prompting me to write an article about it.

As you may (or may not) know, I have been surrounded by loss this year. First, my mom passed away in March, then my son left for college across the country in May, then one of my cats passed away recently (in mid October). As you might imagine, the themes of death and loss are swirling around in my head and heart.

Loss can do some funny things. It can make us take stock of where we are in our lives, what we have, what relationships we’re in, what we do for money, etc. Loss can help us make changes in our lives that we’ve been putting off, like finally getting to items on that bucket (or wish) list. We might adopt an attitude of “life is too short to…,” then make decisions to move us in different directions in one or more areas of life.

Or loss can keep us stuck. Stuck in fear that something else bad might happen or stuck in memories and what-if’s. We might lament our loss and replay things over and over in our minds. We might be stuck on auto-pilot because we’re just too steeped in sadness, or grief, or guilt, or anger, or a mixture of complicated emotions.

Luckily, I have a tremendous support system of family, friends, and professionals who are there for me, providing strength, words of wisdom, shoulders to cry on, empathic ears, and little nudges forward. I have shared my life goals (both personal and professional) with so many people who offer true support that it is very difficult for me to stay stuck. HALLELULIA! I have people who want me to share my music.

While the saying “Don’t Die with the Music Still in You” is quite appropriate for me since I am a singer/songwriter and actually write music, the point of this saying is to share who you really are with the world while you still can. We all have something inside begging to get out. It is our passion, what lights us up inside (and out), our unique gifts and talents, or a message for the world. So often we are afraid to share that special side of ourselves. Sometimes it takes a major shift, like looking death or loss square in the face, to get us to the point of being ready to take the leap. Sometimes it is something less traumatic that happens. Either way, it just takes some courage and motivation to share yourself with the world and to not die with your music still inside you.

Here’s some tips on how you can unleash your special passion:

1. Get clear on what truly lights you up. It’s different for everyone. Think about what puts a smile on your face and gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling.
2. Share your passion with another person. It’s easy to declare a passion silently to yourself. You’ve probably done that already. But where has it gotten you. Letting someone else know about your passion sets the wheels in motion of accountability. Now you have someone else keeping an eye on your passion who can support you in unleashing it.
3. Vow to add more time and space (and whatever other resources you might need) to allow that passion to move more front and center. You can start small. Block out 15 minutes a week on your schedule to devote to your passion and see what happens. Notice any shifts in how you think and how you feel as you start focusing more on your passion.

So what is the “music” that is still in you? I’d love to hear what your passion is and how you plan to unleash it. Leave a comment below.

Photo: Freedom #2 © by hang_in_there

Farewell, my Furry, Fluffy Feline…

I have just weathered my third significant loss of 2012…the death of my beloved feline, Hoover, who (along with his twin brother Boomer) has been a part of my family for just over 10 years. While I didn’t intend for this blog to turn into things all about grief, it is about self care, my own journey included. And my journey this year has been winding, painful, glorious, sad, and blessed all at the same time.

After a very short week and a half of diagnostics, medications that didn’t work, and rapid decline, I made the painful decision to help my fluffy boy end his suffering. I found a vet who performs in-home euthanasia. With soft, soothing music in the background and candles lit, Hoover drifted into a peaceful, eternal sleep in my arms. This picture was taken just hours before he passed – him laying in one of his favorite spots on the couch, near the front door, enjoying a cool breeze and the sound of birds chirping.

I am so grateful for the outpouring of support from my friends and family. Here is a poem I wrote in response to one of the most common things people say to you after a loss (“let me know what I can do”). I know I’ve said it to others before, but this year, this challenging year of three losses, I have heard this so much and been on the other side of it. As usual, life looks different on the other side.

world turned upside down
©2012 krylyn

there is nothing i can think of
as my world is turned upside down
thoughts are fuzzy
head in a daze
walking around aimlessly
searching, waiting, hoping
then remembering
my world is turned upside down

i forget basics
like breathing, eating, and drinking
then something reminds me
and i come back from wherever i was
thinking of memories
or painful decisions
or how i am going to go on with this
intense sadness
my world is turned upside down

so you ask me to let you know
if there’s anything i need
and there is nothing i can think of
because my thoughts are fuzzy
and i cannot even remember to breathe
all i can do is grieve
my world is turned upside down

9 Songs About Overcoming Fear

In the spirit of October and Halloween, it’s time to celebrate fear. Yeah, you read that right. Celebrate. Fear. I often talk about what a bad wrap fear gets, but no heavy discussion here. This post is all about kicking back and listening to some great music about fear – overcoming it, bringing it out in the open, and getting past it. Enjoy!

1. Drive by Incubus

2. I Dare You to Move by Switchfoot

3. Fearless from I am Bullyproof Music

4. The Fear by Lily Allen

5. F.E.A.R. by Ian Brown

6. Afraid by Nelly Furtado

7. Fear by Sarah McLachlan

8. I’m Afriad of Americans by David Bowie (featuring Nine Inch Nails)

9. Get It Together by India.Arie

For tips on HOW to overcome your fear, please join me for my next monthly FREE Telseminar, “What Haunts You: Facing the (Not So) Scary Truth About What Keeps You Stuck.” Simply go to the REGISTRATION page at https://krylyn.com/dev/free-teleseminars/what-haunts-you, and enter your name and email to get signed up. Even if you can’t attend the live call, you will get access to the recording of the call, but only if you register.