Do You Trust Yourself, Part 2: The Beautiful Truth About Trust

In Part 1, Do You Trust Yourself, Part 1: The Ugly Truth About Distrust, I shed light on the toll distrust (of others and yourself) can take on you. I also talked about how we tend to separate ourselves from trust, thinking its something outside of us.

Now I’d like to dive deeper into what trust really is, break it down, to take away its scary power.

So, what is trust? The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as:

A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something

Let’s break that down.

Reliability is about being consistent. It’s about doing what we say we’re going to do. It’s about integrity and being true to our word. It’s about our words matching our actions. We all know people who say one thing and do something different. But is that person you? Do you say you’re going to start a new healthy lifestyle then back out of it? Do you say you’re going to work toward getting a better job or relationship, then not do anything to change your current situation? Are you truly reliable? The reason our words and actions don’t match is typically because:

• We really don’t want what we say or think we want (and sometimes just don’t quite know it or want to admit it)
• We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings
• We don’t want to look bad

SOLUTION: Take a look at the areas in your life where you ARE reliable. What helps you keep your word? Then take a look at the areas in your life where you ARE NOT reliable. If you don’t want what you got, admit it, then make a plan to accept it or change it. If you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, realize that it hurts more and is more confusing when you aren’t reliable, as most people internalize that as something they did (or didn’t) do. If you don’t want to look bad, remember that you have no control over how others view you. You have control over how you view yourself and how you treat others.

Truth is about being honest with ourselves. Are there areas in your life where you tell little white lies to yourself, like “this situation isn’t really THAT bad.” As painful or uncomfortable as it is, the truth can set you free. It allows you to take a look at the current reality for what it is. And that’s the first step toward change. Where we get stuck is by attaching judgment to the truth, saying to ourselves things like “I’m a bad person if I think this or want something different.” When faced with negative thoughts about ourselves, we put up defenses to protect ourselves, such as:

• Putting other people down (silently to ourselves or out loud)
• Denying and burying our uncomfortable feelings
• Pretending everything is okay

SOLUTION: Be honest with yourself about what you want and who you are. It may be uncomfortable at first, but remember it’s a starting point. Practice accepting your truth, being compassionate with yourself, and forgiving yourself for not being perfect.

Ability is about what we can do. It’s the skills, talents, and expertise we have acquired through education, training, and experience. It’s about what we can do physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And boy, can we do some serious damage in this area. Have you ever muttered the phrase, “I can’t.?” I’m not even going to wait for you to think about that one, because I KNOW you have. I have too. We’ve ALL said that (many times I’m sure). “I can’t” is often our default when:

• We don’t know how
• We’re afraid of making a mistake or not being perfect

SOLUTION: Know your abilities. Accept what you can do (and what you truly cannot). If you don’t know how to do something, figure it out. Ask someone. Take a class. Research it. Get help. If you’re afraid, breathe through it. Learn and practice strategies to help you manage your fear. Get the support you need.

Strength is about our capacity to do something. It’s about what we can handle, or rather…what we THINK we can handle. When things keep piling up, obstacles keep presenting themselves, and roadblocks keep appearing, what do you do? Do you keep moving toward your goal or do you give up? Strength is about continuing on in the face of adversity. It’s also about seeking whatever support you need along the way.

SOLUTION: Know that any change you make will be accompanied by tests. Tests to your abilities, tests to your faith, and tests to your perception of who you are. If you DON’T experience tests, you’re not on a path to change. Remember that strength comes from continuing to move forward, which involves feeling what you feel and asking for the help and support you need along the way.

Trust is really a series of actions, and not something outside of us. It’s about how we handle ourselves, our thoughts, our emotions, and our actions. Just as we’ve learned to NOT trust, so can we learn to trust. And trust starts with trusting ourselves. When we can learn to trust ourselves, knowing that we can be reliable and truthful, use our abilities (or acquire new ones), and be strong despite challenges, we can know that we have the power to choose what we will and won’t allow in our lives. It won’t matter as much what other people do, because we will trust ourselves to make the best decisions possible

Move forward…and trust yourself!

Photo by: Adrian Ruiz

Do You Trust Yourself, Part 1: The Ugly Truth About Distrust

Recently as I was successfully avoiding work by answering emails and browsing Facebook, I came across a theme, which prompted this question to pop into my head:

Do you trust yourself?

It’s a seemingly simple question, but upon further examination has so many layers to it. Let me get you started by asking some more questions.

• Do you get excited about something only to question it later on?
• Do you believe you are not safe in the world?
• Do you spend your time and energy running away from things that are scary and painful?
• Do you question your judgment?
• Do you take a long time to make decisions, weighing every little pro or con – or even AVOID making decisions?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, I’d say you might have some issues trusting yourself.

As I study more and work more with people on moving through their fear, I realize that trusting oneself is absolutely key. But really, how many of us even know what that truly means?

We know about trusting others, when trust is broken, ways to earn trust back, but the underlying assumption here is that trust is outside of us. It is bestowed upon others or earned. And that we are somehow separate from it.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

I said to someone recently as we were talking about dating that what I have learned over the years about trust in relationships is really how to trust myself.

I took a long break from dating to focus on raising my son and building my career. It was a choice. And it was a choice that was, in part if I’m totally honest, based on my fear of trusting.

I used to think my problem was trusting others. I grew up in such a chaotic, unpredictable environment that I learned I couldn’t trust the people close to me. I couldn’t trust their words to match their actions, or their actions to provide me with the safety and comfort children need to thrive. Frankly, I learned how to distrust, and I suspect most of us have learned that lesson all too well.

But the unfortunate byproduct of not trusting others is that we somehow throw ourselves in that mix. Logically, if people close to us are not trustworthy, then by default, we are untrustworthy as well.

When we don’t trust ourselves, we:

• Have difficulty making decisions
• Question ourselves and our choices
• Look to others to define and validate us
• Experience high levels of fear and anxiety
• Are more likely to distract ourselves or avoid certain people, places, and things in our lives

Sound familiar?

Just as we learned along the way to not trust, there is a way to re-learn how to trust again, which is good news, right?

In Part 2, Do You Trust Yourself, Part 2: The Beautiful Truth About Trust, I’ll explore what trust really is and give some tips on how you can trust yourself.

Photo by: Capture Queen

The ONE THING You MUST Focus On to Accomplish Any Goal

“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!” ― Benjamin Franklin

Happy Freakin’ New Year! Happy end of the last year. Happy looking forward to a fresh start and a clean slate.

Are you chomping at the bit to lose weight, get in shape, better your relationships, grow your business, try something new, or otherwise jump on the resolution bandwagon?

Or are you just plugging away, same old same old, trying hard not to plan or dream big cause you’ve tried before and it hasn’t worked?

Or are you somewhere in between?

This time of year brings out a lot of emotion and baggage. Fear, resistance, excitement, hesitation, frustration, anticipation…you name it.

But while so many people focus on WHAT they are wanting to have or create and HOW to do it, I think a lot are missing the boat on the real reason we have hopes, dreams, and goals.

It’s not really to accumulate stuff, or be a size or two smaller, or achieve something. Those are the tangible results, yes, and often very rewarding. But the REAL reason we do what we do is to feel a certain way.

We’ve lost sight of our WHY.

Regardless of WHAT your goal is or HOW you can go about achieving it, you simply must spend some time and energy focusing on the WHY.

Our WHY drives us and keeps us going when things get challenging. Because things WILL get challenging. It’s inevitable. Our WHY is the feeling behind what we’re creating. And if we’re not in touch with our why, it’s really easy to give up.

When faced with figuring out the WHY, most people start answering with the superficial answers of the immediate gain. But I invite you to dig deeper and explore how you would FEEL and what you have to gain in the long run. Below are examples.

WHY do you want to get in shape?

The Superficial Response

• to lose weight
• to get off medication
• to look good naked

The real WHY behind it

• to feel more energized, less fatigued, less blah
• to be around for my children or grandchildren
• to feel more confident, sexy, happy, and in control of your life

WHY do you want a better (or different) relationship?

The Superficial Response

• to get away from a bad situation
• to have someone who gets me
• to not be lonely

The real WHY behind it

• to feel more connection and love with my partner
• to share my life with someone
• to feel more

 WHY do you want a different job or to grow your business?

The Superficial Response

• to make more money
• to spend more time with my family
• to get more clients or customers

The real WHY behind it

• to provide a better life for myself and my family
• to make a bigger impact on the world
• to answer my calling and use my talents and skills

You’ll start to realize your WHY for most of your goals is very similar or will have common themes, such as:

• Increased confidence, self esteem
• Happiness
• Service and/or connection to others
• Fulfilling your life’s purpose

These are common things that drive us all as humans. And if we’re not focusing on these as the real reasons driving us, we can be easily tempted to give up when things get rough.

So as you set those resolutions, make sure you take some time to think about and declare your WHY. Even post it where you can see it and share it with your support system (aka cheerleaders).

Photo By: Randy Heinitz

Time for New Beginnings…

Happy (almost) New Year!!! Tomorrow represents a fresh start, a new beginning, a forgiveness of the past, and a looking forward (in anticipation and excitement) to the future.

Do you feel it?

Or are you lamenting, holding onto what coulda, woulda, shoulda been?

This can be a tough time of year if you have difficulty letting go. So I invite you to be kind and gentle with yourself as we enter 2015. Take stock in what was really GOOD about 2014. Celebrate what worked and allow what didn’t to provide a meaningful lesson to springboard you forward in this new year.

What lessons can you take with you WHILE you look forward in anticipation and excitement of what’s to come?

I’d love to hear what you plan to create for yourself in 2015. Feel free to leave a comment below.

Photo by: Next TwentyEight

Your “Cheat Sheet” for When To Use What Type of Healing Tool

In a recent article, “The Three Categories of Healing,” I shared the three categories of healing: body, thoughts, and actions. But how do you know when to focus on what?

That’s a great question. When we’re stuck, the last thing we want is to guess at what would be most helpful to us. So I’ve created a little “cheat sheet” to figure out what to focus on and when…along with some immediate tips…

Question 1: Are you experiencing physical sensations in your body (or no sensations) that make it difficult to focus on anything else?

If not, move onto question #2

If so, then you MUST reconnect with your body and quiet your mind. Remember I mentioned that we can disconnect from our body and not read its signals? If you are feeling a lot (or nothing at all), it’s a good sign you’re not clued in with exactly what your body is trying to tell you.

HOW do you connect with your body? Breathe! Breathing is one of the best ways to get reconnected with your body. But not just any kind of breathing…conscious breathing. When we’re stressed, we tend to breathe shallow, from our chest. But we want to breathe from the belly to get the best bang for our oxygen buck. Take a moment to put one hand on your belly and the other on your chest. Inhale through your nose and allow your breath to fill your belly like a balloon, noticing the hand on your belly moving away from you. Then exhale through your nose and allow your breath to leave your body, as your belly deflates like a balloon, noticing the hand on your belly moving toward you. The hand on your chest should not move at all. It may take a few tries to get this down. As you breathe, just focus on your belly and your breath.

Question 2: Do you have many thoughts spinning around in your head at once?

If not, move onto question #3

If so, then it’s time to check in with your body and give your brain a rest. You must reconnect with your body and quiet your mind. See HOW in question #1 above.

Question 3: Do you have a lot of negative thoughts about yourself or why things always happen (or don’t happen) to you? Or do you never seem to be happy with whatever circumstance is happening in your life?

If not, move onto question #4

If so, then it’s time for a THOUGHT (aka attitude) adjustment. Not only the specific thoughts we have can keep us stuck, but the actual way we think. Learning to identify the way you think and using ways to turn off the negative thinking can help you start to change.

HOW do you change your thoughts? Affirmations. Using positive statements (aka affirmations) is a fabulous way to shift your mindset from the negative. But there is a trick. You MUST phrase affirmations with positive language AND in the present tense. Remember, what you focus on expands. So any negative language talking about what you DON’T want is exactly what you’ll create more of. Also, if you phrase your affirmation in the future, you are basically saying you’ll have it someday but not now, and that’s probably not want you want either. Here’s some examples of not-so-great affirmations: “I don’t want to be stressed out anymore,” “I would like to be happy and fulfilled.” Instead, try these: “I can handle whatever comes my way,” “I am happy and fulfilled.” You get the idea. If you need more examples, search the internet. There’s tons of good affirmations out there. Once you have a good one for you, post it where you can see it and say it aloud several times a day.

Question 4: Are you tired of feeling stuck in a rut?

If not, congratulations! You are right where you want to be.

If so, it’s time to ACT. Sometimes the only way out is to move. Make a decision. Take some action. And things will change. Maybe not quickly, maybe not exactly the way you anticipated. But the only way to get results is to do something.

HOW do you take action? Do Something (or do something different). Action requires that you do something. You probably already know what you want to do, or “should” do. So make a point to do it. If you have a goal that has a lot of steps, just break it down and take one small step. One tip is to write down your action step on your calendar. Make it official. You might also tell a friend or loved one about your intention so you have someone to be accountable to.

I hope these tips have been useful in helping you determine what to use when you continue along your healing journey.

But there’s another question I’d like to ask you…

When’s the last time you said YES to yourself?

One of the things I see come up time and time again with my clients is this notion that saying yes to yourself is somehow selfish. Yet, healing MUST start with you taking care of yourself.

Let the catch 22 begin…

Here’s a different question:

When’s the last time you said NO to yourself?

Do you ever put your dreams on hold, or change plans, or stop yourself from doing something? Every time you put something off, or put someone else before you when you don’t really need to, you’re saying no to yourself. OUCH!

Sure there are times when others do come first. But overall in your life, are you really making yourself a priority? Or does everything and everyone else come first?

This habit of saying yes to everyone else is really one of saying no to yourself. And whether or not you can see it (and my guess is you can but just don’t want to), it’s taking a HUGE toll on you.

Here’s some subtle (and not so subtle ways) saying yes to others (and no to yourself) can be affecting you:

• Zaps your self esteem as you feel less important than everyone else
• Prevents you from doing something you really love to do
• Traps you into thinking you don’t matter
• Creates resentment, anger, and possibly some passive-aggressive behaviors you may not be terribly proud of

Now if the stuff on the list above is what you really want, then keep doing what you’re doing. But I’m guessing if you could really see how saying yes to everything and everyone else but yourself is affecting you, you’d want to stop immediately. Am I right?

Of course, that can be easier said than done. So where do you start?

By making small changes using tools that really work. Tools like setting boundaries, using positive statements, owning your own value and power, and making a habit of cutting out that which doesn’t serve you. I’ve already been sharing other tips in these last few articles.

But I have SO many more tools in my arsenal that I’d love to share with you…

I’ve put together a bundle of my best tools that have helped me and my clients, and can help YOU too. In an upcoming article, I’ll share an opportunity for you to get access to these tools and to say YES to yourself!

Until then…

Happy healing,

Got a comment to share about these tools and how they worked for you? Leave a comment below…

The Three Categories of Healing

In a recent article, “Are You (Really) Where You Want to Be,” I shared how what we focus on expands. I left you with some questions to ponder to get some clarity about what you want (did you answer them?). I also told you I would share the three categories of healing that can help you shift your focus and get more of what you want.

But first, let me talk a little bit more what I’ve learned in my journey. I think it’s important for anyone entrusting their healing to me to know who I am and that I, just like you, have had challenges that have seemed insurmountable at times. I believe I’m here to help others along their journey, by not only being an example but also a teacher and coach. So what I love to share about healing is really what I’ve learned about myself, how to feel more balanced, less stressed, and better able to deal with whatever life throws at me.

But it wasn’t always easy to share.

You see, in my family, we didn’t share our secrets. We didn’t share that both my parents were raging alcoholics, or that my mom attempted suicide multiple times, or that even though our family looked perfect on the outside with our suburban, church-going, double income, nuclear family lifestyle, we were severely broken. There was abuse and neglect in my home…but we didn’t talk about it.

Not until my mom’s last suicide attempt in 1995, which was almost successful.

After that, things were never the same. And it began my journey of taking a long, hard look at who I was, where I came from, and what I was meant to do with my life.

Here’s just some of what I learned growing up the way I did – lessons that have helped me heal and have given me insight into how to help others heal. And these lessons can help you too:

• Living in fear and silence takes a HUGE toll on our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
• Loving ourselves is an inside job. No one else dictates your self worth but you.
• Our outer environment is a direct reflection of our inner environment.
• Saying YES to ourselves sometimes means saying NO to others. (And that’s OK!!!)
• Don’t forget to BREATHE!
• What you say shapes how you think, what you feel, what you do, and ultimately who you are.
• Sometimes we’re just not ready to change, and that’s ok (as long as we’re ok with things staying the same).
• Creativity is NECESSARY for overall good health.
• Attitude is everything…and you can change your attitude if you choose to.

As I mentioned in “Are You (Really) Where You Want to Be,” the tools I’ve successfully used for my own healing have also helped my clients…

“…Thank you for sharing your story and journey of self care with us…Your teleseminar helped me to move forward and commit. Very inspiring!”
— Erin K.

“Our first session was a definite breakthrough. I got past the overwhelm and broke things down into manageable steps. Thank you sincerely for that!”
— Karen Willis, Career Coach – Dublin, Ireland

“I wanted to say thank you for such a simple statement that opened my eyes to overcoming my fear that has kept me stuck.”
— Susan K.

“Krylyn was able to pinpoint areas that I wanted to work on and she kept me accountable. Krylyn is honest, compassionate and always professional. Working with Krylyn was an answer to what I was looking for in my sagging confidence.”
— Candice, Crisis Therapist

So what are some of these tools that have helped me and my clients and can help you too? Well, the tools fall into three basic categories, focusing on our:

1. Bodies
2. Thoughts
3. Actions

When we’re stressed out or overwhelmed or stuck or in fear we tend to disconnect from our BODY. We get caught up in our heads, in negative thoughts, in what I call the “thought spiral.” But our body is there to give us information, to protect us, to help us survive. It’s constantly giving us signals. It tells us when we’re hungry, tired, too hot, too cold, in pain, in fear, anxious, etc. But if we’re disconnected, we often miss the signals, so we keep barreling through. We keep doing things that aren’t necessarily good for us. It’s imperative to get re-connected with our body when we’re looking to make any kind of change.

When dealing with our THOUGHTS, we must consciously choose thoughts that will help rather than hurt. Many of us have what are called automatic negative thoughts. Things like “why is this happening TO ME,” or “this always happens,” or “there must be something wrong with me,” or a variety of other thoughts that keep us stuck in not feeling good about ourselves. There are ways to re-program our brains to start thinking more positively. After all, our thoughts help create our reality. Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings, which lead to not-so-helpful actions. Positive thoughts lead to more positive feelings, which lead to more helpful actions. Sounds simple enough!

And then there’s ACTION. Nothing will ever change without action. Period. End of discussion. You cannot get a different result by taking the same action over and over (or no action at all). The good news is that when you take action, no matter how big or small, you are creating movement, momentum, and possibility. Have you ever hear of the ripple (or butterfly) effect? It says that even one small change can have a profound effect on your life and the world around you.

So HOW do you change your connection to your body, your thoughts, and your actions, you may ask? And how do you know when to focus on which category?

In an upcoming article, I’ll share more about when to focus on your body, your thoughts, and your actions. And I’ll give you a tip to use in each of those categories.

Until then, happy healing!

Got a comment to share about the three categories of healing? Leave a comment below…