The ONE THING You MUST Focus On to Accomplish Any Goal

“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!” ― Benjamin Franklin

Happy Freakin’ New Year! Happy end of the last year. Happy looking forward to a fresh start and a clean slate.

Are you chomping at the bit to lose weight, get in shape, better your relationships, grow your business, try something new, or otherwise jump on the resolution bandwagon?

Or are you just plugging away, same old same old, trying hard not to plan or dream big cause you’ve tried before and it hasn’t worked?

Or are you somewhere in between?

This time of year brings out a lot of emotion and baggage. Fear, resistance, excitement, hesitation, frustration, anticipation…you name it.

But while so many people focus on WHAT they are wanting to have or create and HOW to do it, I think a lot are missing the boat on the real reason we have hopes, dreams, and goals.

It’s not really to accumulate stuff, or be a size or two smaller, or achieve something. Those are the tangible results, yes, and often very rewarding. But the REAL reason we do what we do is to feel a certain way.

We’ve lost sight of our WHY.

Regardless of WHAT your goal is or HOW you can go about achieving it, you simply must spend some time and energy focusing on the WHY.

Our WHY drives us and keeps us going when things get challenging. Because things WILL get challenging. It’s inevitable. Our WHY is the feeling behind what we’re creating. And if we’re not in touch with our why, it’s really easy to give up.

When faced with figuring out the WHY, most people start answering with the superficial answers of the immediate gain. But I invite you to dig deeper and explore how you would FEEL and what you have to gain in the long run. Below are examples.

WHY do you want to get in shape?

The Superficial Response

• to lose weight
• to get off medication
• to look good naked

The real WHY behind it

• to feel more energized, less fatigued, less blah
• to be around for my children or grandchildren
• to feel more confident, sexy, happy, and in control of your life

WHY do you want a better (or different) relationship?

The Superficial Response

• to get away from a bad situation
• to have someone who gets me
• to not be lonely

The real WHY behind it

• to feel more connection and love with my partner
• to share my life with someone
• to feel more

 WHY do you want a different job or to grow your business?

The Superficial Response

• to make more money
• to spend more time with my family
• to get more clients or customers

The real WHY behind it

• to provide a better life for myself and my family
• to make a bigger impact on the world
• to answer my calling and use my talents and skills

You’ll start to realize your WHY for most of your goals is very similar or will have common themes, such as:

• Increased confidence, self esteem
• Happiness
• Service and/or connection to others
• Fulfilling your life’s purpose

These are common things that drive us all as humans. And if we’re not focusing on these as the real reasons driving us, we can be easily tempted to give up when things get rough.

So as you set those resolutions, make sure you take some time to think about and declare your WHY. Even post it where you can see it and share it with your support system (aka cheerleaders).

Photo By: Randy Heinitz

Your “Cheat Sheet” for When To Use What Type of Healing Tool

In a recent article, “The Three Categories of Healing,” I shared the three categories of healing: body, thoughts, and actions. But how do you know when to focus on what?

That’s a great question. When we’re stuck, the last thing we want is to guess at what would be most helpful to us. So I’ve created a little “cheat sheet” to figure out what to focus on and when…along with some immediate tips…

Question 1: Are you experiencing physical sensations in your body (or no sensations) that make it difficult to focus on anything else?

If not, move onto question #2

If so, then you MUST reconnect with your body and quiet your mind. Remember I mentioned that we can disconnect from our body and not read its signals? If you are feeling a lot (or nothing at all), it’s a good sign you’re not clued in with exactly what your body is trying to tell you.

HOW do you connect with your body? Breathe! Breathing is one of the best ways to get reconnected with your body. But not just any kind of breathing…conscious breathing. When we’re stressed, we tend to breathe shallow, from our chest. But we want to breathe from the belly to get the best bang for our oxygen buck. Take a moment to put one hand on your belly and the other on your chest. Inhale through your nose and allow your breath to fill your belly like a balloon, noticing the hand on your belly moving away from you. Then exhale through your nose and allow your breath to leave your body, as your belly deflates like a balloon, noticing the hand on your belly moving toward you. The hand on your chest should not move at all. It may take a few tries to get this down. As you breathe, just focus on your belly and your breath.

Question 2: Do you have many thoughts spinning around in your head at once?

If not, move onto question #3

If so, then it’s time to check in with your body and give your brain a rest. You must reconnect with your body and quiet your mind. See HOW in question #1 above.

Question 3: Do you have a lot of negative thoughts about yourself or why things always happen (or don’t happen) to you? Or do you never seem to be happy with whatever circumstance is happening in your life?

If not, move onto question #4

If so, then it’s time for a THOUGHT (aka attitude) adjustment. Not only the specific thoughts we have can keep us stuck, but the actual way we think. Learning to identify the way you think and using ways to turn off the negative thinking can help you start to change.

HOW do you change your thoughts? Affirmations. Using positive statements (aka affirmations) is a fabulous way to shift your mindset from the negative. But there is a trick. You MUST phrase affirmations with positive language AND in the present tense. Remember, what you focus on expands. So any negative language talking about what you DON’T want is exactly what you’ll create more of. Also, if you phrase your affirmation in the future, you are basically saying you’ll have it someday but not now, and that’s probably not want you want either. Here’s some examples of not-so-great affirmations: “I don’t want to be stressed out anymore,” “I would like to be happy and fulfilled.” Instead, try these: “I can handle whatever comes my way,” “I am happy and fulfilled.” You get the idea. If you need more examples, search the internet. There’s tons of good affirmations out there. Once you have a good one for you, post it where you can see it and say it aloud several times a day.

Question 4: Are you tired of feeling stuck in a rut?

If not, congratulations! You are right where you want to be.

If so, it’s time to ACT. Sometimes the only way out is to move. Make a decision. Take some action. And things will change. Maybe not quickly, maybe not exactly the way you anticipated. But the only way to get results is to do something.

HOW do you take action? Do Something (or do something different). Action requires that you do something. You probably already know what you want to do, or “should” do. So make a point to do it. If you have a goal that has a lot of steps, just break it down and take one small step. One tip is to write down your action step on your calendar. Make it official. You might also tell a friend or loved one about your intention so you have someone to be accountable to.

I hope these tips have been useful in helping you determine what to use when you continue along your healing journey.

But there’s another question I’d like to ask you…

When’s the last time you said YES to yourself?

One of the things I see come up time and time again with my clients is this notion that saying yes to yourself is somehow selfish. Yet, healing MUST start with you taking care of yourself.

Let the catch 22 begin…

Here’s a different question:

When’s the last time you said NO to yourself?

Do you ever put your dreams on hold, or change plans, or stop yourself from doing something? Every time you put something off, or put someone else before you when you don’t really need to, you’re saying no to yourself. OUCH!

Sure there are times when others do come first. But overall in your life, are you really making yourself a priority? Or does everything and everyone else come first?

This habit of saying yes to everyone else is really one of saying no to yourself. And whether or not you can see it (and my guess is you can but just don’t want to), it’s taking a HUGE toll on you.

Here’s some subtle (and not so subtle ways) saying yes to others (and no to yourself) can be affecting you:

• Zaps your self esteem as you feel less important than everyone else
• Prevents you from doing something you really love to do
• Traps you into thinking you don’t matter
• Creates resentment, anger, and possibly some passive-aggressive behaviors you may not be terribly proud of

Now if the stuff on the list above is what you really want, then keep doing what you’re doing. But I’m guessing if you could really see how saying yes to everything and everyone else but yourself is affecting you, you’d want to stop immediately. Am I right?

Of course, that can be easier said than done. So where do you start?

By making small changes using tools that really work. Tools like setting boundaries, using positive statements, owning your own value and power, and making a habit of cutting out that which doesn’t serve you. I’ve already been sharing other tips in these last few articles.

But I have SO many more tools in my arsenal that I’d love to share with you…

I’ve put together a bundle of my best tools that have helped me and my clients, and can help YOU too. In an upcoming article, I’ll share an opportunity for you to get access to these tools and to say YES to yourself!

Until then…

Happy healing,

Got a comment to share about these tools and how they worked for you? Leave a comment below…

The Three Categories of Healing

In a recent article, “Are You (Really) Where You Want to Be,” I shared how what we focus on expands. I left you with some questions to ponder to get some clarity about what you want (did you answer them?). I also told you I would share the three categories of healing that can help you shift your focus and get more of what you want.

But first, let me talk a little bit more what I’ve learned in my journey. I think it’s important for anyone entrusting their healing to me to know who I am and that I, just like you, have had challenges that have seemed insurmountable at times. I believe I’m here to help others along their journey, by not only being an example but also a teacher and coach. So what I love to share about healing is really what I’ve learned about myself, how to feel more balanced, less stressed, and better able to deal with whatever life throws at me.

But it wasn’t always easy to share.

You see, in my family, we didn’t share our secrets. We didn’t share that both my parents were raging alcoholics, or that my mom attempted suicide multiple times, or that even though our family looked perfect on the outside with our suburban, church-going, double income, nuclear family lifestyle, we were severely broken. There was abuse and neglect in my home…but we didn’t talk about it.

Not until my mom’s last suicide attempt in 1995, which was almost successful.

After that, things were never the same. And it began my journey of taking a long, hard look at who I was, where I came from, and what I was meant to do with my life.

Here’s just some of what I learned growing up the way I did – lessons that have helped me heal and have given me insight into how to help others heal. And these lessons can help you too:

• Living in fear and silence takes a HUGE toll on our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
• Loving ourselves is an inside job. No one else dictates your self worth but you.
• Our outer environment is a direct reflection of our inner environment.
• Saying YES to ourselves sometimes means saying NO to others. (And that’s OK!!!)
• Don’t forget to BREATHE!
• What you say shapes how you think, what you feel, what you do, and ultimately who you are.
• Sometimes we’re just not ready to change, and that’s ok (as long as we’re ok with things staying the same).
• Creativity is NECESSARY for overall good health.
• Attitude is everything…and you can change your attitude if you choose to.

As I mentioned in “Are You (Really) Where You Want to Be,” the tools I’ve successfully used for my own healing have also helped my clients…

“…Thank you for sharing your story and journey of self care with us…Your teleseminar helped me to move forward and commit. Very inspiring!”
— Erin K.

“Our first session was a definite breakthrough. I got past the overwhelm and broke things down into manageable steps. Thank you sincerely for that!”
— Karen Willis, Career Coach – Dublin, Ireland

“I wanted to say thank you for such a simple statement that opened my eyes to overcoming my fear that has kept me stuck.”
— Susan K.

“Krylyn was able to pinpoint areas that I wanted to work on and she kept me accountable. Krylyn is honest, compassionate and always professional. Working with Krylyn was an answer to what I was looking for in my sagging confidence.”
— Candice, Crisis Therapist

So what are some of these tools that have helped me and my clients and can help you too? Well, the tools fall into three basic categories, focusing on our:

1. Bodies
2. Thoughts
3. Actions

When we’re stressed out or overwhelmed or stuck or in fear we tend to disconnect from our BODY. We get caught up in our heads, in negative thoughts, in what I call the “thought spiral.” But our body is there to give us information, to protect us, to help us survive. It’s constantly giving us signals. It tells us when we’re hungry, tired, too hot, too cold, in pain, in fear, anxious, etc. But if we’re disconnected, we often miss the signals, so we keep barreling through. We keep doing things that aren’t necessarily good for us. It’s imperative to get re-connected with our body when we’re looking to make any kind of change.

When dealing with our THOUGHTS, we must consciously choose thoughts that will help rather than hurt. Many of us have what are called automatic negative thoughts. Things like “why is this happening TO ME,” or “this always happens,” or “there must be something wrong with me,” or a variety of other thoughts that keep us stuck in not feeling good about ourselves. There are ways to re-program our brains to start thinking more positively. After all, our thoughts help create our reality. Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings, which lead to not-so-helpful actions. Positive thoughts lead to more positive feelings, which lead to more helpful actions. Sounds simple enough!

And then there’s ACTION. Nothing will ever change without action. Period. End of discussion. You cannot get a different result by taking the same action over and over (or no action at all). The good news is that when you take action, no matter how big or small, you are creating movement, momentum, and possibility. Have you ever hear of the ripple (or butterfly) effect? It says that even one small change can have a profound effect on your life and the world around you.

So HOW do you change your connection to your body, your thoughts, and your actions, you may ask? And how do you know when to focus on which category?

In an upcoming article, I’ll share more about when to focus on your body, your thoughts, and your actions. And I’ll give you a tip to use in each of those categories.

Until then, happy healing!

Got a comment to share about the three categories of healing? Leave a comment below…

When’s the last time you said YES?

There’s a word we’re so used to hearing that we can anticipate it before it even arrives. This word can have a deep impact on how we feel about ourselves, what we think about ourselves, and how we live our lives.

Know what it is yet? Let me give you a hint…

Think about the last time you asked for something, whether a raise at work, or a significant other to do something for you, or for a favor. There’s really only two responses to asking someone to do something – yes or no. When you ask for something, what answer are you hoping for? And which answer can make your heart and hopes sink a little?

You guessed it…that dreaded word that can have a HUGE impact is…NO.

We can get so used to hearing it that it prevents us from asking. But let me spin this one around a little.

When’s the last time you said NO to yourself? Do you ever put your dreams on hold, or change plans, or stop yourself from doing something? Every time you put something off, or put someone else before you when you don’t really need to, you’re saying no to yourself. OUCH!

Sure there are times when others do come first. But overall in your life, are you really making yourself a priority? Or does everything and everyone else come first?

This habit of saying yes to everyone else is really one of saying no to yourself. And whether or not you can see it (and my guess is you can but just don’t want to), it’s taking a HUGE toll on you.

Here’s some subtle (and not so subtle ways) saying yes to others (and no to yourself) can be affecting you:

• Zaps your self esteem as you feel less important than everyone else
• Prevents you from doing something you really love to do
• Traps you into thinking you don’t matter
• Creates resentment, anger, and possibly some passive-aggressive behaviors you may not be terribly proud of

Now if the stuff on the list above is what you really want, then keep doing what you’re doing. But I’m guessing if you could really see how saying yes to everything and everyone else but yourself is affecting you, you’d want to stop immediately. Am I right?

Of course, that can be easier said than done. So where do you start?

By making small changes using tools that really work. Tools like setting boundaries, using positive statements, owning your own value and power, and making a habit of cutting out that which doesn’t serve you.

If you want some specific step-by-step, “here’s how you do it” instructions, I invite you to check out the “MAKE YOURSELF A PRIORITY” Seminar Series Bundle I created, full of 12 seminars that go over things like saying YES to yourself and all the other tools I mentioned, plus so much more. If you’re ready to learn tools that help you go from stressed and overwhelmed to feeling much more balanced and centered, this might be what you’re looking for.

Check it out at: http://www.krylyn.com/MakeYourselfAPriorityBundle

After all, until YOU can start saying YES to yourself, how can anyone else?

Are You (Really) Where You Want To Be?

If you’ve been in my tribe for any length of time, you know that the inspiration for everything I do comes from my own life. Everything from the articles I write, the newsletters I send, the social media posts, the workshops, conferences, and products I create and promote – all come from the lessons I’ve learned both personally and professionally to help others move through transitions, fear, burnout, stress, and overwhelm to lead a more productive, healthier, happier, more deliberate, creative, and passionate life.

As 2014 comes to a close, I’ve already started reflecting on everything that’s happened over the last year, and it’s A LOT. I know I’m not the only one facing tremendous challenges, changes, and transitions (forced and planned), and it got me to thinking of how I can best serve YOU, my tribe, as we move into yet another year.

I’ve put together a series of three blog posts chock-full of some great tips and inspirations to help YOU, since I know this can be a challenging time of year.

Here’s a question for you:

As we come to the close of yet another year, are you where you want to be?

If so, then you can stop reading now. But if not…keep going.

Despite our best intentions and efforts, we get side-tracked. Life happens. Circumstances beyond our control rear their not-so-pretty little heads. And we can find that where we wanted to go is miles away from where we are. It happens to all of us.

At this point, when we KNOW we’re not where we want to be, we have one of two choices:

1. Accept it, OR
2. Whine, kick, scream, and otherwise throw a tantrum (otherwise known as NOT accepting it or resisting it)

Sound familiar? I’m guessing you’ve chosen both routes at one point or another (just like I have). And that you know which one is more likely to help you re-adjust and either get to where you want to be or get you closer to where you want to be.

Yep, acceptance is key.

But if you’re more steeped behind door #2 right now (or can get in touch with that experience), here’s the next question:

Where is all that whining, kicking, screaming, tantruming, and RESISTING WHAT IS getting you?

Chances are it’s getting you more of what you DON’T want. More stuckness, unhappiness, resentment, anger, fear, loneliness, worry, stress…the list goes on.

You see, what we focus on expands. What we resist persists. There’s a bunch of trite ways to say it, but it all boils down to where we put our attention. If our attention is on the ick, then that’s what we see and experience.

And that ick can look and feel like:

• Fatigue
• Poor concentration
• Low energy and motivation
• The blah’s
• Muscle aches and pains
• Thoughts spinning around in your head (which I call the “thought spiral”)
• Shoulding all over yourself (“I should do this…I shouldn’t do that”)
• Worrying about every little thing
• Fear
• Stress and overwhelm
• …And so on

But, the good news is that just as we can choose to focus on the not so desirable stuff, we can also learn to focus more on what we DO want and have THAT expand and be our experience.

Imagine what life would it be like if you could:

• Wake up excited and energized about your day, rather than dreading it
• Practice simple, proven techniques that can skyrocket your confidence and self esteem
• Bust through the barriers that keep you stuck
• Easily let go of stuff that doesn’t serve you

Sounds pretty good, right?

And it is possible!

How do I know? Because I’ve been able to do it AND teach my clients how do it too.

In an upcoming post, I’ll share with you the three categories of healing that can help YOU get back on track to getting what you want more of.

So get to thinking about what it is that you want. Here’s some questions you can think (and/or journal) about to help you gain some clarity:

• If (money / time / _____) weren’t a factor, what would I really like to be doing with my life?
• What are the real barriers keeping me stuck right now? What are the imagined ones?
• What am I gaining by NOT being where I want to be?
• What am I losing by NOT being where I want to be?
• What do I really want?
• What is ONE thing I can give up in order to get what I want?
• Am I really ready to do what it takes to get what I want?

Happy healing!

Got a comment to share about what you want more of? Leave a comment below.

Photo by: DVIDSHUB

Getting What You Want by Focusing on What You Got

What we focus on expands.

Is it a big surprise that when we focus on what we DON’T have and what we DON’T want, we get MORE OF IT?

Ever notice that phenomenon?

I sure have.

It’s like our brains are programmed to point out what’s wrong, rather than what’s right.

But if we want to stop the cycle, we’ve got to make a change. And the easiest place to start is by being grateful for what we already have.

We must learn to embrace what is in order to make room for what will be.

In November, I always love to focus on gratitude. It is the month of Thanksgiving here in the U.S. And it’s my favorite holiday of them all. It allows the act of being grateful and having a positive attitude to be socially acceptable.

I know that may sound a little strange. But have you ever noticed how much negativity there is out there? All you have to do is turn on the news, scroll through a list of what’s trending in social media, or listen to someone within ear shot to get a bunch of fear, complaining, whining, and negativity filling your senses. It’s a wonder anyone can be positive at all.

And all that is contagious. Once you hear one person start throwing around negative comments, another starts up.

The good news is that positivity can also be contagious. You just have to choose what you want to catch.

It’s important to show gratitude for what we have, right now, in this moment. Because if we can’t do that, how will we ever be grateful of what we say we want? There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Here’s a quick list to get you started:

• Waking up this morning
• Loved ones
• A roof over my head
• Some money in my pocket
• The ability to be able to read this (especially if one a device I own and/or through a service that is already paid for)
• Clothes on my back

Sure these are obvious. But sometimes we need that as a kick start to take a deeper look at what we can show gratitude for. We’ve all got things in our lives we don’t like or that have provided tremendous difficulties, but it takes a special kind of filter to be able to see the good in everything. With a little tweaking, we can turn seemingly devastating circumstances into lessons learned.

Some challenges I’ve been grateful for that have helped shift my perspective:

• My son being diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (which led to us finding a much better school for him and ways to help him be successful)
• My near bankruptcy (which led to me looking for creative ways to support myself and my son and resulted in me getting a very good-paying job that helped me put myself through graduate school)
• My mom’s death (which led to me being able to make peace with her and accept her for who she was)

Life is not going to stop throwing things your way. It’s up to you to be able to catch what’s thrown and spin it in a way that provides meaning. The more you can learn to be grateful for what is there right now, the more space you’re going to open up for more blessings to come your way.

So, what are you grateful for?

Photo by: hurricanemaine