Connecting to What Really Matters

What really matters? If you’re Billy Crystal in “City Slickers” it’s that ONE THING. Some say LOVE or FAMILY, others say PURPOSE. It seems what really matters is in many ways the same for most people, and in many ways different.

I believe WHAT matters is generally the same for most of us. It can be hard to articulate, but I think we all crave some sort of connection – with other people, with nature, with a higher power. Connection with someone or something outside ourselves lets us know we’re not alone. That we matter. That our life has meaning. In another movie, “Shall We Dance,“ Susan Sarandon talks about the importance of having a witness to our lives – someone who can testify that who we are has made some sort of impact in the world. And of course in the movie “Avatar “, the famous quote “I see you” speaks to our need for our souls, our essence, to be seen and our voices to be heard.

So if connection is what matters, then our task is to find HOW to focus on it and bring more of it into our lives. And that is where the differences come in. I think we get in trouble when our sense of connection is lost or threatened. We act in certain irrational ways, punishing ourselves and/or others. We fight for attention, clamoring against the thought of feeling invisible, like we don’t matter. We get competitive. We think small. We hold on tightly to expectations that are unrealistic. We cling to the past, longing for simpler, less confusing times. We live in the future, hoping for things to change. We are fearful. We forget what really matters. And we become disconnected, which might look like:

• Withdrawing from friends
• Escaping into mind-numbing activities (like TV, internet, texting, addictions)
• Distracting ourselves with too much work (or too much play)
• Avoiding making decisions
• Becoming overly controlling in a particular area of life (clutter/hoarding, eating, exercising, etc.)
• Not paying attention to our bodies signals (hunger, thirst, fatigue, pain, etc.)

Think about these questions for a moment:

• When do you feel connected?
• What are you doing?
• What are you thinking?
• What are you feeling?
• Who are you with when you feel connected?
• Where are you?
• What is your environment like (sights, sounds, smells)?

And try these tips on how to get more connected:

• After answering the above questions, make a list of what and who makes you feel connected. Remember to touch on the areas of people, places, and things.
• Think of ways to add connecting activities to your daily life. Make a list of these activities, everything from things you can do with little effort to things that might take some building up to. Brainstorm and get creative.
• Add one connecting activity to your day, every day. Mark it in your calendar if you need to. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time.

Lately, for me connection looks like:

• Spending time with friends – on the phone, online, and in person
• Traveling to new (and old) places
• Breathing in fresh air
• Petting my 10-year old cat for longer periods of time
• Getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people
• Writing songs
• Talking to my son on the phone regularly now that he is away at college
• Asking people for help

I’d love to hear what helps you feel connected. Please leave a comment below.

Give Me a BRAKE: What Illness Has to Teach Us About Self Care

Sniffle, sniffle, cough, cough, scratchy scratchy sore throat, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough. Ahh, yes, the rhythms and sounds of a viral winter. Forced down time. Rest. Plenty of fluids. And utter boredom. For someone used to going full speed, working long hours, and rarely taking time off, being sick is inconvenient at least – or so I used to think.

As with everything, once I changed my mind about what it means to be sick, something truly amazing happened. I started to see the gift of illness. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not thrilled with sore throats, congestion, and coughing so hard I see stars. But this resting thing, taking a break from technology, stopping when I’m tired, giving my body and mind a break is something I could get used to.

Our bodies are wonderful storytellers if we just listen. They tell us what they need. Our job is to listen. And sometimes illness is a way for our body to tell us to slow down, take a time-out, and re-group.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll find that illness comes after a stint of burning the candle at both ends, trying to fit 40 hours of work into a 20 hour window of time. It rarely comes when I’ve been taking stellar care of myself. So, for me, illness is just a little reminder that self care is important…always. And especially when I feel like I don’t have time for it.

So I’ll go on enjoying some down time and taking better care of myself, while remembering that once I’m ready to get back into the full swing of things, it’s time to pay closer attention to my body’s signals.

10 Rules for Being Human

Ever wish there was an instruction manual for life laying out the rules of the “game”? Enjoy this short movie and the 10 rules outlined for what it is to be human…from a more spiritual perspective. Which rules do you already live by? Got any other rules to add? Please feel free to comment below.

My favorite among the rules listed in this movie…
There are no mistakes, only lessons

The Dance of Life: How Two Steps Back Isn’t A Bad Thing

One step forward, two steps back. The journey of life can sometimes feel like an intricate dance. Make a little progress, then things seem to slide back to where they were – to that uncomfortable place. While most people see any backward movement as a failure or at least something not good, let me just say that it’s totally normal.

Healing is a journey, not a destination. If we lived a life without having contact with others, hold up in our homes without any responsibilities to family, employers, and friends, then maybe we wouldn’t have to contend with as much juggling and backwards movement. But probably not. Typically what is responsible for backward movment has less to do with others and more to do with us – our thoughts and our habits.

When we first start making changes – any change – we might start strong, trying new things. But it takes a lot of consistency and repetition to create a new habit. We still are dealing with old ways of thinking and behaving that support our old habits. So we must be on the watch for the old stuff to creep in, catch it, then continue with our new ways of thinking and behaving to counteract it.

The first time we feel ourselves slipping back to old habits is generally where people stop trying, seeing it as proof that the new way won’t work. But this is precisely when we need to continue on with the new stuff, remembering that it is a journey, and that consistent effort is the key to long-lasting success.

So how can you continue stepping forward even slightly after a backslide? Using the dance analogy, I’d say that you just step forward again. If you watch people dance (literally), you’ll likely see that they move forward, backwards, and sideways. If they aren’t moving forward now, they likely will be in just a few beats. And if they move backward, they don’t stop dancing, declaring defeat. Backward movement is part of the dance. Just as it is in life.

Moving backward provides an opportunity to see things from a different perspective. You might find that something (a thought, belief, or action) didn’t work as you expected, so now you know to tweak it a little and see if that changes the direction of your movement.

Here’s some other suggestions on how to navigate the dance of life:

• Remember that it is the culmination of steps that matters. Today it might be two steps back and one forward, and tomorrow might be ten steps forward and one step back. If you are moving forward more than backward, you are headed in the right direction.
• You are moving forward more than you think. We tend to focus on what we don’t like, such as backward slips. We forget to celebrate and honor the forward movement.
• Expect movement in all directions. It is often when we assume that life should always be forward movement when we are most disappointed. But if you go into any new challenge expecting there to be movement in different directions, you will set yourself up for a more realistic picture of what will happen.
• Think of movement in any direction as an opportunity. We learn from everything and movement provides us an opportunity to see what works and what doesn’t.

Looking for more inspiration about navigating the dance of life? Join me for the Get Out of Your Own Damn Way Jam Sessions, where I interview powerful people who have been there, done that, gotten out of their own damn way, and boldly embraced their dream and greatness. Get prepared to be inspired. Join us for FREE at www.krylyn.com/GetOutOfYourWayInterviews.

Photo: IMG_3850 © by Huron Tours & Travel

Don’t Die with the Music Still in You

Dr. Wayne Dyer, one of my favorite authors and spiritual teachers, has used this saying for years: Don’t Die with the Music Still in You. I’m not sure who it is originally credited to. But what a beautiful and inspiring statement it is. And it recently ran across my email inbox, prompting me to write an article about it.

As you may (or may not) know, I have been surrounded by loss this year. First, my mom passed away in March, then my son left for college across the country in May, then one of my cats passed away recently (in mid October). As you might imagine, the themes of death and loss are swirling around in my head and heart.

Loss can do some funny things. It can make us take stock of where we are in our lives, what we have, what relationships we’re in, what we do for money, etc. Loss can help us make changes in our lives that we’ve been putting off, like finally getting to items on that bucket (or wish) list. We might adopt an attitude of “life is too short to…,” then make decisions to move us in different directions in one or more areas of life.

Or loss can keep us stuck. Stuck in fear that something else bad might happen or stuck in memories and what-if’s. We might lament our loss and replay things over and over in our minds. We might be stuck on auto-pilot because we’re just too steeped in sadness, or grief, or guilt, or anger, or a mixture of complicated emotions.

Luckily, I have a tremendous support system of family, friends, and professionals who are there for me, providing strength, words of wisdom, shoulders to cry on, empathic ears, and little nudges forward. I have shared my life goals (both personal and professional) with so many people who offer true support that it is very difficult for me to stay stuck. HALLELULIA! I have people who want me to share my music.

While the saying “Don’t Die with the Music Still in You” is quite appropriate for me since I am a singer/songwriter and actually write music, the point of this saying is to share who you really are with the world while you still can. We all have something inside begging to get out. It is our passion, what lights us up inside (and out), our unique gifts and talents, or a message for the world. So often we are afraid to share that special side of ourselves. Sometimes it takes a major shift, like looking death or loss square in the face, to get us to the point of being ready to take the leap. Sometimes it is something less traumatic that happens. Either way, it just takes some courage and motivation to share yourself with the world and to not die with your music still inside you.

Here’s some tips on how you can unleash your special passion:

1. Get clear on what truly lights you up. It’s different for everyone. Think about what puts a smile on your face and gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling.
2. Share your passion with another person. It’s easy to declare a passion silently to yourself. You’ve probably done that already. But where has it gotten you. Letting someone else know about your passion sets the wheels in motion of accountability. Now you have someone else keeping an eye on your passion who can support you in unleashing it.
3. Vow to add more time and space (and whatever other resources you might need) to allow that passion to move more front and center. You can start small. Block out 15 minutes a week on your schedule to devote to your passion and see what happens. Notice any shifts in how you think and how you feel as you start focusing more on your passion.

So what is the “music” that is still in you? I’d love to hear what your passion is and how you plan to unleash it. Leave a comment below.

Photo: Freedom #2 © by hang_in_there

Focusing on What Works

Do you often struggle in one or more areas of your life? Finances, health, relationships, work, etc.? It seems like the areas in which we find challenges are ones we focus on, which only makes sense if you believe, like many of us seem to, that you must fix what is broken. Society bombards us with messages of improving those areas. We must listen, because the messages keep coming.

But how much time do we spend focusing on the areas that ARE working well? If you’re anything like me, I’m guessing you don’t focus much on those at all. Yet, if we’re breathing (and reading this), we must be doing something right.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

And to take it another step further, what if you could learn to love the part of you that isn’t “perfect” or the challenge you are facing. I’m not talking doe-eyed, weak-in-the-knees kind of love, but an acceptance of what is.

I began this practice after reading the book “Learning to Love Yourself: A Guide to Becoming Centered” by Gay Hendricks a few years ago. In it, he talks about consciously accepting the parts of yourself that you struggle with. Saying outloud the phrase “I love that part of me that…” is a cornerstone to this practice. For example, when I struggle with feeling overwhelmed about a deadline, I might say to myself “I love the part of me that has difficulty staying focused” or “I love the part of me that would rather be writing a song.” Inevitably, I end up with a smile on my face or a sense of relief, because just stopping and saying something that seems so contrary to what I’m thinking or experiencing gives me persmission to be more gentle with myself  and shifts my perspective. And, it’s all a matter of perspective.

So what are you doing that is working for you? Do you take time to recognize those things, or just gloss over them, sometimes unconsciously, on your way to thoughts of what isn’t working well? Take some time to focus on what is working and shift your perspective. Here’s some tips to try:

1. Write a list of things that are working well for you. Things that are working well are not areas that require a lot from you. They are things that happen on auto-pilot and can be as simple as taking five minutes in the morning to stretch, taking a walk around the block, or brushing your teeth before bed. Keep this list with you and add to it as you think of more. Look at it when you are having one of those “nothing is working well” moments.
2. Pick one thing from your “things that are working well” list and DO MORE OF IT.
3. Think of one area in your life that you would like to change. Be specific. For example, one of my areas to work on is doing one thing at a time (which I call “mono-tasking”). That’s pretty easy to measure. I’m either doing one thing at a time or I’m not. Then, say “I love the part of me that…” and fill in the rest with the area you are focusing on. For me, I might say “I love the part of me that has difficulty focusing on one thing at a time.” Say your phrase out loud five times. Notice how you feel after saying it.

Remember, it may seem easier to focus on the problems, but doing so just gives the problems more energy, which I’m guessing is NOT what you want to do. Switching your focus to what is working and accepting when you are challenged by it is a much gentler way of being, which I’m guessing is more of what you DO want.

I’d love to hear what results you get from shifting your focus. Leave a comment below.

Photo: Curious kid © by Mads Boedker